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my girl's day [tri-ku] (Haiku) by lmp morning sunbeams catch
fairies dancing in the air;
my girl claps with glee.
golden curls bouncing,
her shadow shortens, she runs,
her laughter fluid.
quiet face looks up
to moonlight and stars above.
she whispers goodnight.
Up the ladder:
Forgive Me
Down the ladder:
watch
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: March 6, 2006 9:41 AM PST; Last modified: April 18, 2006 12:52 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5882 Comments:
[8]
Fayt @ 141.157.35.222
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6-Mar-06/10:39 AM
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Reply
pleasent to read.
Nice enough, although as you'd emphasised morning and evening, I'd like to see the second haiku have a 'midday' theme, just to complete the set. It would also give you scope to put a little more imagery in the second one; in comparison with the others it is lacking somewhat at the moment.
reworked the second verse, though it seems a bit rough yet. awaiting your review.
It works better, although the second line of that stanza is a syllable over. Perhaps 'She runs, her shadow shortens'. That would also eliminate the repetition of 'as'. I wouldn't change any of the imagery in there, it works beautifully, and with the shadow you manage to capture the middle of the day without being unnecessarily explicit and wordy.
Suggestion for you to play with as you see fit: 'Watercolour laugh' - if you were thinking of changing the last line of stanza 2. It would fit with 'She runs', and would augment the 'lightness' of the piece. Just a thought though, you may not feel it's necessary. Vote moved up to 9.
excellent suggestions, although i cannot [in good conscience] use "watercolor laugh" now that you outrightly suggested it. i will work on that idea of duality some more to tighten it up.
and FIE! those syllables. i *will* correct that blatant oversight.
oh, and thanks for the comment on the shadow bit. i thought it worked well to convey the time of day... [see, for that one you *suggested* working with the time of day and did not give the actual phrase. a nudge, if you will, i prefer...]
I'm liking this edit. It seems more, well, complete than previously. You've got the day theme done well, I forgot to say earlier that I like how 'golden curls' invokes images of noon sun.
Feel free to use anything I suggest; I tend to assume that any phrase I put forward won't be transferred directly, but sometimes seeing a passage in print triggers a train of thought which arrives at a different yet related phrase. This has a great variety of words in - something which is often lacking somehow in haiku collections. Overall, nice work.
thank you. have been reading some of your latest. wow~!
Cheers =D the recent posts of mine are reasonably good, much better than the early efforts. But then, I've learnt a lot from poemranker. Much more so than from English lessons, which actually says quite a lot for Kaolin.
Some good thoughts here, but they seem forced into a haiku-mold.
i suppose they are. i don't really think in a 5-7-5 manner, so i guess it is like trying on a suit to see what it feels like.
perhaps i will go back to my old khakis and rollneck sweater. ;P
I like #3 because of its double meaning. 10 on #3.
at the risk of spoiling your comment, i am curious about which duality you see.
She could be saying goodnight to the moon and stars, or saying that it is a good night, or looking up at you and saying goodnight, or saying you are a good knight (a stretch), or that she's happy the moon and stars are above you, because otherwise it would not be a good night.
ah yes. well sometimes i do wonder myself. so i guess the duality is real. don't believe that she does knows about knights yet, so that one *is* a stretch... thanks for the comments.
"tri-ku" seems bland for a title. I would stick with "my girl's day."
fair enough. done.
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