Ranger17 Apr 2006

It works better, although the second line of that stanza is a syllable over. Perhaps 'She runs, her shadow shortens'. That would also eliminate the repetition of 'as'. I wouldn't change any of the imagery in there, it works beautifully, and with the shadow you manage to capture the middle of the day without being unnecessarily explicit and wordy.
Suggestion for you to play with as you see fit: 'Watercolour laugh' - if you were thinking of changing the last line of stanza 2. It would fit with 'She runs', and would augment the 'lightness' of the piece. Just a thought though, you may not feel it's necessary.
Vote moved up to 9.