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Runaway (Free verse) by Cairsten
She changes faces for me like I changed my body for her, A shifting aside of organs and a spreading of skin (But leave the bones untouched) I shaped her bones, I formed her marrow -- What is her face, to me? I clutch at her, a stripped and trembling branch Clinging to this last bronzed leaf, And she whirls away. It seems a cruelty in her, (the rejection stinging in my mouth like the taste of brass keys Held against my tongue while I fumbled with childhood doors As firmly shut against me as she is), this flaunted refusal To snuggle close, to rest in my arms And let me enfold her in myself. And so by night I chase her, Down clattering cobblestone lanes of regret Through thorn-filled savannahs named "what if?" And to elude me, her mother, She changes faces.

Up the ladder: Bleeding Hope
Down the ladder: change (3rd draft)

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5954
Posted: January 9, 2005 1:44 AM PST; Last modified: January 9, 2005 1:44 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] Shuushin @ 64.222.173.32 | 9-Jan-05/7:09 AM | Reply
Quite nice. A good sign is that I fairly quickly moved past the form of the poem (although the comma's are slightly... distracting - at least a learning curve) right to the content.

I found this interesting, "I fumbled with childhood doors/As firmly shut against me as she is" yet in both cases (the door and the girl) you have the keys in your mouth.

An enjoyable, mature piece.
[9] Shuushin @ 68.237.129.179 | 10-Jan-05/7:21 PM | Reply
surprised u haven't gotten more play on this.
[n/a] zodiac @ 212.118.11.30 > Shuushin | 10-Jan-05/11:26 PM | Reply
Fine, here goes: Cairsten displays a horrifying ability to so mutate all his comparisons, and usually within the space of like two lines, that by the time he's done you've forgotten what or why he was comparing in the first place and they're just hanging around his ears like so many limp deli meats and oh god its so horrible please somebody make it stop.

-10-
[9] Dan garcia-Black @ 209.247.222.45 | 29-Dec-05/10:13 AM | Reply
Tastes good...yeah.
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