Dovina22 Feb 2006

I was disappointed that you didn't build on, "which was thicker: the smoke or the smooth rhythms."

I like this part: "She was gone,and much like his heart, her cigarette was left smoking in the ashtray"

But too much of it tells us what is going on, which is ok in some poems, but not in a story. Lines like, "He immediately fell into his routine of extreme sarcasm
and politically incorrect dialect" could better be replaced with story.

Some parts give so many comparisons, it's dizzying: "The hazy lights of the club,like spotlights in the fog, made her eyes glow like the deep ocean under moonlight." Fewer words, please.