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These Past Sixteen Months (Free verse) by amanda_dcosta You'd call it hell.
I choose to call it refining.
Loved ones around me die,
One after another,
Two of them very dear to me.
And then the next...
Suffers from a stroke
That affects his life forever.
Paralyzed,
Dreams shattered,
Soul depressed.
The list goes on.
One has a tumor,
Another cancer...
Terminally ill is how they define her.
Still further, an accident
That claims a life.
Nightmares, confusion and the like.
We've grown.
Flown out of their nest.
Distance separates us
In four continents.
Yet...
I choose to hold firm
No matter the cost,
To the only comfort
The one on the cross...
Unfathomable love
Ever quenching Spirit
Abiding presence!
I run my race
I stand my ground.
Tho' storm clouds blow o'er me,
I'm safe in His arms.
Up the ladder:
Wreck of the Poor Anchor
Down the ladder:
Dawn Jig
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.571429
Posted: April 1, 2006 6:34 PM PST; Last modified: April 2, 2006 1:27 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.153681 Overall Rank: 5205 Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 86.131.60.114
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3-Apr-06/2:16 AM
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Reply
Reads like a diary entry up to the last stanza. The first two lines are a great intro, but the main body feels like it could do with a little...well, poetic exaggeration. You don't have to go over the top with it, but in my opinion it could do with a little more embellishment with the factual aspect.
I like the specific details in this; the sense we get of the you in the poem; the ways we are able to see, without broad unanchored statements, the challenges to your faith. Watch the overused lines and cliches (hold firm, run my race/stand my ground, the list goes on, etc.). I'd suggest losing the ellipses (they serve no purpose, really--you're not omitting anything) and the archaisms in the second to last line (tho' o'er).
The last two paras summarize the essence of what I'm going through and how I accept my challenge rather than mourning and brooding and being totally depressive and pessimistic. I believe in a life of hope... and there's no better source, to me, than from the one on the cross.
And the archaic language is in relation to the archaic faith that has been tested over the centuries. I feel it fits the mood, though I'm willing to agree with the major consensus on this.
I liked this up until the second-to-last stanza, and I don't think I need to explain why. I like the fourth stanza the best, very nice.
Ha ha ha... no probs drnick.:-). I'm honoured that you still read my poems inspite of my choice of topics and and persitence.
Thanks for your vote.
Plus points are for the seemingly lack of self pity and though fairly generic in word choice you have knack for narrative and characteriztions i could care about. Rangers right about the end as the ancient style of words such as o'er is like mixing chocolate with cabbage.
Title could be more fitting and just called 16 months. I also think the four continents / one nest scenario could be milked more for poignancy. You give me a lot of ideas from what i have read, the potential i can see but i find you could be gettin more from your writing if you second read or draft your work further.
Very constructive critisism. Thanks. I agree I should do a lot more proof reading and editing on this. And the " o'er ", maybe I could reword it over.
As for the four continent verse.... it was part of the trying time I had to deal with... part of which was also due to the events mentioned in the verse before this. On the whole, the whole description of this poem is about my distress and anxiety, one which I am able to handle through faith. 253 view(s)
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