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Rose (Free verse) by firestar_2580 I feel like my soul is in flames and the shadows play in the shape of a
manâs desire in the desert filled with roseâs and with each rose she
holds a secret promise, with grace, beauty. As she sparkles, and shines
under the starlight, moonlight divine. She seemed in constant motion,
wafting and rippling on the slightest breeze, and framing her lovely
features in the most entrancing ways. As the harvest moon surround by
atmospheric mist lookâs down upon her as she lay nude in water with
the flowers she picked in her madness here is where she comes to have
her depressions released the only place she have left for peace.
Up the ladder:
For Gillian Park
Down the ladder:
No name for the poem...Lost in emptiness
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Posted: March 24, 2006 2:14 PM PST; Last modified: March 24, 2006 2:14 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.119203 Overall Rank: 5690 Comments:
LOVED IT!
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Aside from that, this has some pleasant word choices and some decent passages. 'She seemed in constant motion...' is sweet. I'd change 'lovely', it's a little...well, simple in comparison with the tone of the poem. Also, 'nude' would (to me) sound better as 'unclothed', or something like that. It's probably only due to so long exposed to Dark Angel, but the word grates somehow.
The only thing that I don't like is the transition from first person at the start to third person; I assume you're referring to your soul as 'her', but it's not clear.
Oh, and I'd better say before anyone else does - 'Rose' is an enormously overused title...if you can find something a bit more original then the poem would benefit. Keep working at this one, it has promise. 7 for now, I feel there are edits left to be done though.