Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 15:28:49 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

I feel like my soul is in flames and the shadows play in the shape of a manâs desire in the desert filled with roseâs and with each rose she holds a secret promise, with grace, beauty. As she sparkles, and shines under the starlight, moonlight divine. She seemed in constant motion, wafting and rippling on the slightest breeze, and framing her lovely features in the most entrancing ways. As the harvest moon surround by atmospheric mist lookâs down upon her as she lay nude in water with the flowers she picked in her madness here is where she comes to have her depressions released the only place she have left for peace.

Ranger

24-Mar-06/2:30 PM

Hmm. Nice in places, although there are a few grammatical points. Apostrophes are only for possessive forms, letter omission and numeric plurals. so rose's should be simply roses, and look's should be looks.
Aside from that, this has some pleasant word choices and some decent passages. 'She seemed in constant motion...' is sweet. I'd change 'lovely', it's a little...well, simple in comparison with the tone of the poem. Also, 'nude' would (to me) sound better as 'unclothed', or something like that. It's probably only due to so long exposed to Dark Angel, but the word grates somehow.
The only thing that I don't like is the transition from first person at the start to third person; I assume you're referring to your soul as 'her', but it's not clear.
Oh, and I'd better say before anyone else does - 'Rose' is an enormously overused title...if you can find something a bit more original then the poem would benefit. Keep working at this one, it has promise. 7 for now, I feel there are edits left to be done though.

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