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Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow (Free verse) by Sunny
I imagine being insane, inside white walls with no glow, but the resolution of minced cocaine smeared all over their stances- the ill brightness of a dentist's office that cuts off wind from the sky and the sky itself. A sour smell, glass door...raw and white, so white... Outside Spring has conquered all with poking poppies and lavender bushes that blot a naked blue background. The hummingbird with his velocity and the season of babies. A sun that winces at me in its natural light. Immortality melts in my mouth like sugar, as I ride the day slow with the sun to my west. Two magnolia trees and a mimosa- this is what I savor before the ivory bulbs shined up the cap of my head; I just had a colorful cat nap.

Up the ladder: Severed
Down the ladder: Emma Barksdale

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Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Weighted score: 5.2622466
Overall Rank: 3956
Posted: March 22, 2006 9:53 AM PST; Last modified: March 22, 2006 9:53 AM PST
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Comments:
[9] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 22-Mar-06/10:11 AM | Reply
Hey Sunny--this is really good. Nice sounds, strong images, good flow from stanza to stanza. "cuts off wind from the sky, and the sky itself. A sour smell/glass door, raw and white"--this is great. Suggest losing the ellipses (everywhere) and dropping the "so white"--don't think it adds anything to the line. Also sugg: dropping "all" in the "Outside, spring (should be lowercased) has conquered--it's just a filler word. I think your next stanza's probably the weakest--you don't connect it to the rest. Love the details in the last two stanzas and the ending (still in the dentist's chair?)

Good stuff. Welcome.
[9] god'swife @ 71.103.98.44 | 22-Mar-06/9:17 PM | Reply
The ending kills this otherwise impressive poem. It's like watching two hours of a movie just to find in the end it was merely a dream, haha.

Is it the sun that winces or you?

There are some wonderful fresh images here, very original. Overall this poem is perfectly lovely.
[9] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 23-Mar-06/6:38 AM | Reply
Yes, agreed with gw about the last line, and there are some stunningly vivid images here - 'naked blue background', 'magnolia trees' etc. work beautifully. 'Resolution of minced cocaine' is also quality. Good stuff, time to read your other post!
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