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Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow (Free verse) by Sunny

I imagine being insane, inside white walls with no glow, but the resolution of minced cocaine smeared all over their stances- the ill brightness of a dentist's office that cuts off wind from the sky and the sky itself. A sour smell, glass door...raw and white, so white... Outside Spring has conquered all with poking poppies and lavender bushes that blot a naked blue background. The hummingbird with his velocity and the season of babies. A sun that winces at me in its natural light. Immortality melts in my mouth like sugar, as I ride the day slow with the sun to my west. Two magnolia trees and a mimosa- this is what I savor before the ivory bulbs shined up the cap of my head; I just had a colorful cat nap.

ecargo 22-Mar-06/10:11 AM
Hey Sunny--this is really good. Nice sounds, strong images, good flow from stanza to stanza. "cuts off wind from the sky, and the sky itself. A sour smell/glass door, raw and white"--this is great. Suggest losing the ellipses (everywhere) and dropping the "so white"--don't think it adds anything to the line. Also sugg: dropping "all" in the "Outside, spring (should be lowercased) has conquered--it's just a filler word. I think your next stanza's probably the weakest--you don't connect it to the rest. Love the details in the last two stanzas and the ending (still in the dentist's chair?)

Good stuff. Welcome.




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