on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2006, 7:29 AM
Stanzas 4 and 5 cracked me up.
on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2006, 7:25 AM
Ha!
Ever considered a flamethrower?
Ever considered a flamethrower?
on Coventry nights by Caducus
16 Mar 2006, 7:24 AM
Cardiff's no better.
Some nasty connotations there in 'kebab meat gorged by kebab meat'.
Line 6 - 'black scab'?
Pretty cool, very patriotic. I share your sentiments.
Some nasty connotations there in 'kebab meat gorged by kebab meat'.
Line 6 - 'black scab'?
Pretty cool, very patriotic. I share your sentiments.
on Birdcalls by poetandknowit
16 Mar 2006, 8:25 AM
Fantastic opener, the first stanza was favoured over the second (nice as it was, it lacked the nostalgic edge that stanza 1 had). 'Gathers light from my last youthful days'...beautiful...one of those (many) things that makes me want to get out of the city again.
Anyway, you may or may not read this; either way I'll post my apologies for various stupid rants in the past - they served no purpose other than to fuel my conviction that I was the greatest poet on Earth and above criticism. So there it is; I think you're a very good writer and shall read through your list of poems as I should have done already.
Peace?
Anyway, you may or may not read this; either way I'll post my apologies for various stupid rants in the past - they served no purpose other than to fuel my conviction that I was the greatest poet on Earth and above criticism. So there it is; I think you're a very good writer and shall read through your list of poems as I should have done already.
Peace?
on some deleted poem
16 Mar 2006, 8:44 AM
'Suck a sonata from you', I wasn't convinced by, and perhaps soul and skin could be switched?
Other than that, very pretty.
It felt like it wanted rhymes!
Other than that, very pretty.
It felt like it wanted rhymes!
on Birthday by Dhanesh M Kumar
15 Mar 2006, 7:41 AM
Last stanza was pretty good, didn't like 'torturous' though, I reckon you could find something more effective and less overused there.
Stanza 1 was a little dry...it works, but isn't spectacular. Same for the first line of stanza 2.
Other than that it's alright.
Stanza 1 was a little dry...it works, but isn't spectacular. Same for the first line of stanza 2.
Other than that it's alright.
on At The Station by Christof
16 Mar 2006, 8:37 AM
'Damp yellow light' works beautifully, and the bank clerk's grin similie put a smile on my face! The continuity across lines 7 and 8 felt odd, somehow - personally I'd try and avoid using 'That needs' at the start of the line; but then again it would be pretty awkward to twist around effectively.
The loose rhyme scheme suits this piece, not so distracting that it detracts from the imagery, but enough to make itself known in the background.
Top class.
The loose rhyme scheme suits this piece, not so distracting that it detracts from the imagery, but enough to make itself known in the background.
Top class.
on some deleted poem
15 Mar 2006, 3:24 AM
Inspired!
(I've seen that one before...)
(I've seen that one before...)
on Endless Battle by rahson_s
15 Mar 2006, 7:44 AM
'debut to a page' is quite good, so are the last two lines (although it would probably work better if the last line was just 'mind and pen').
So...what's with this general trend of people posting and not commenting on anyone else's works?
So...what's with this general trend of people posting and not commenting on anyone else's works?
on i prefer steadfast by skaskowski
15 Mar 2006, 7:47 AM
Very smooth, the title says it all. 'Let the ocean wrap me up and rinse away all my graffiti' - excellent.
on no title by mystic enoch
15 Mar 2006, 7:50 AM
Be a little more inventive with the rhymes.
'It's hard not to get lost in them' - totally true.
'It's hard not to get lost in them' - totally true.
on -untitled- by MacFrantic
13 Mar 2006, 1:22 PM
Except for stanza 2 this made me think of a news photographer, possibly a war reporter in a darkroom developing photographs (not that he'd be doing much else in a darkroom, I assume). Not sure what to make of stanza 2.
I like the choice of language here, although it's fairly zany in places it nonetheless retains a semblance of sense. I struggle with 'Diphthong's ripe imbalance' though.
Enjoyed. 8
I like the choice of language here, although it's fairly zany in places it nonetheless retains a semblance of sense. I struggle with 'Diphthong's ripe imbalance' though.
Enjoyed. 8
on Call me Floyed by FreeFormFixation
13 Mar 2006, 1:23 PM
I don't know the Bob and Tom show, but this was still good fun.
on Indianapolis Since by matt door
15 Mar 2006, 3:26 AM
I don't know, I think 'the love of young wishes' works just as well. This is nice, you are very good at writing brief, nostalgic poems! I'm not sure about 'field of green and was', or 'perfect shade of once'...something a little more logical might fit better - but even so, it works well as it is.
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2006, 8:12 AM
Awesome concept - and realised muchos smoothly! More than 8
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2006, 3:16 PM
Yeah...a few too many pulses for my tastes. Possibly consider putting in a b/p/d sound on each beat to give the sound of the heartbeat (does that make any sense?)
on Settling in by INTRANSIT
13 Mar 2006, 2:50 PM
Another enjoyable ditty, particularly the semi-repetition 'sliding/siding' at the beginning and end. Is 'dryer' part of a truck (as I assume washers are)? Nice onomatopoeic tricks.
I trust you don't have to live in your motor all winter?
I trust you don't have to live in your motor all winter?
on I want to slit my wrist and call it poetry by thepinkbunnyofdoom
13 Mar 2006, 3:02 PM
You manage what most can't, namely angst without pimples! This is a very smooth piece of prose - the conclusion was the most effective part; not entirely original but then again, when you can write this well novelty doesn't always matter.
A top-notch read.
A top-notch read.
on Half a dozen by thepinkbunnyofdoom
13 Mar 2006, 3:03 PM
Pretty, I'd agree with changing 'outta' though.