Re: Mango Pickle by amanda_dcosta	11-Mar-06/4:25 PM
This is nice, in a 'Hi ho, hi ho it's off to work we go!' kind of way - it's the sort of poem that needs communal speech. I like the semi-rhyme in stanza 2, it's subtle enough to not override the rest of the poem, while still helping the rhythm along.
Re: Navy Pier by matt door	11-Mar-06/4:28 PM
'In such peculiar concert/with your silly laugh' did it for me. A simple poem which manages to end up greater than the sum of its lines.
Re: Windflower by matt door	11-Mar-06/4:34 PM
I thought this was going to be a collection of haikus when I first saw it. I'd have to agree with ecargo and Niphredil, the rest of it is very pretty. The final stanza in particular brought a smile to my face.
Re: The Best Thing I Ever Had by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/11:51 AM
I've read the stuff you've posted so far, and although it's pretty simple I really like it. Somehow you manage to make the repetition work in print without music, so for that I must offer my congratulations! It's really hard to get lyrics to appear as effective without music (by their very nature, I suppose). Very bluesy...definitely a good thing! Do you sing/play instruments professionally? I'm listening to Beth Orton at the moment =D
Re: Hurtin' Once Again by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/11:57 AM
Cool blues, although without the music it left me wanting more...and a little more innovation.
Re: 3/12/06 by cronus	12-Mar-06/12:01 PM
'black ink/bitter...' makes me think you're talking about Guinness. I'm really not sure what to make of this...particularly the last stanza is open to many, many 'comic' interpretations. Was that intentional? I'll need to have a think about this before I can post anything of any use.
Re: Climbing the Wall by ecargo	12-Mar-06/12:10 PM
This is cool - 'kinder-coloured plastic', 'gravity's fool', 'crab clawed', 'trick of undoing' etc. are great to read; you always give something new in your poems. I love the contrast of 'superpowered/old engine', it works brilliantly for young yet exhausted muscles. 'Old Doubt'...sounds like an ale... =D Tell how you prevailed; I'm in the mood for good news!
Re: Gone Bad by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/12:31 PM
Unlike about 95% of the lyrics on this site I actually want to hear this one sung. Same applies to the rest of your lyrics...I never thought I'd say that here!
Re: We Do Not Write About by faithmairee	12-Mar-06/12:46 PM
This is good - strong and concise. I would change the 'souls' in stanza 2; the rhyme there shifts the focus of the reader (well, of this reader anyway!) and I don't think the repetition works. Other than that, stanza 2 is excellent in my opinion - and so true! You might consider changing 'bothersome' to simply 'bother'...let the 'sometimes' do the all the work there. It won't make perfect grammatical sense (and there are poets here who prefer good grammar and logic) but it would flow a little easier. It's down to your preferences though, of course. Last two lines are awesome...out of curiosity, 'stirrings' made me also think 'strings' (of our souls) - was that intentional?
Re: i realize by http://robynhood	13-Mar-06/5:14 AM
Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical. Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended. Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original. Stanza 4 is good. Hope these suggestions are of some use.
Re: Boundaries by Dhanesh M Kumar	13-Mar-06/5:23 AM
Either there's a hidden genius in this that I am blind to (entirely possible)...or you really do need to make some serious grammatical corrections. 'Four walls fortifying the realm(s?)' is good, 'make it to yell' is not. 'To yell' is the infinitive, and so in this context shouldn't be used with 'make it', which is present active. The three lines after that...I don't really know what they mean. 'The nature's statue that which bonds' could work, but needs punctuating. '...statue - that which bonds...' or something like that. The rest of the stanza sort of work although 'crinkle' would sound better as 'crinkling'. Stanza 3 - 'migrates' and 'divulges', as you are talking about a first person singular subject for both. I like the ending to it though. But I still have to ask - what does it all mean?
Re: Desolation by Beyond_Dreams	13-Mar-06/5:25 AM
Kind of defiant which is nice to see. The problem with it, though, is that it's all been written before. For example, 'broken dreams' makes me assume you listen to Green Day. If you could make this something new and innovative it would work well.
Re: Spoken word (draft) by Adriaan	13-Mar-06/5:27 AM
Decent fragment, the idea's pretty good - but I'm curious as to where you're going with it.
Re: The Tale of Hominus Ominus by Blue Magpie	13-Mar-06/5:34 AM
Pretty nifty, a decent tale of the human condition. It certainly takes courage to write something this lengthy and search for plenty enough rhymes without turning the reader off; you manage it very well. Stanza 5 was the best.
Re: Today's Spam by nentwined	13-Mar-06/7:34 AM
Ha! I never get these though, either my email is too obscure, or the hotmail junk filter is supreme ¬.¬
Re: Even the elephants by ecargo	13-Mar-06/7:40 AM
Vivid! Very few poems actually take me to the scene; this one is an exception. Once again I think your word choice is impeccable...no fault with this one whatsoever. Stanza 3 was great and stanza 4 was even better!
Re: i want to know how the japanese type by hendrimike	13-Mar-06/7:43 AM
Brief, simple and fairly effective. The title was the best part though.
Re: Send The Devil... by horus8	13-Mar-06/7:53 AM
Awesome. Stanzas 2, 3 and 4 rocked my world, as did the final two lines. It's been too long since I last read your stuff.
Re: Numbers In Heaven by Dovina	13-Mar-06/7:58 AM
With the exception of 'unmatched and unmatchable' this made me think of The Island. Which, although I was sceptical, wasn't a terrible film. 'Called, with affection, odd' Marvellous. 9
Re: to a girl from msn by francis nor capule	13-Mar-06/8:04 AM
Pretty cool, the title makes it sound as though she's from halfway across the world. Do you know her in reality, or just over the net?