Re: Four Seasons by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/3:09 PM
Heh, quite nice - although I think you meant 'shone' (line 6). I do like the last two lines, they made me smile. An 8 should undo some of the damage caused by rockmage's (rather impressive) zeroing marathon.
Re: missing pieces by mystic enoch	7-Mar-06/3:17 PM
The first few lines reminded me of one of those dreaded Christmas CD tunes...luckily I don't know the name of the song otherwise I would have to go and wash my ears out with hot rubber, which is never a joyful hobby.
Re: killer boredom butterfly (psychedelic) by nentwined	7-Mar-06/4:31 PM
I just can't stop loving this. I think I'm going to write a Pimple about how much I love it and how it will never love me.
Re: Breakfast by Dhanesh M Kumar	8-Mar-06/3:40 AM
Last two lines don't make grammatical sense; the number doesn't agree. Either you mean 'Many others' bones', or you mean 'An other's bone'. 'Seamless joy?' I don't know the statistics, but I'm prepared to bet that the number of people killed in conflict with the troops is fewer (or will very soon be fewer) than the number of people killed by the militants' bombs, which, I should add, are generally planted to cause maximum carnage whereas the intentions of the troops, especially the British troops, is to cause as little damage as possible and actually save lives. Yes! I know it's an astonishing concept to grasp, but our boys actually travelled thousands of miles from home, subjected themselves to all kinds of abuse from the people they were trying to protect, and selflessly risk their own lives on a daily basis because they genuinely want to make life better for the Iraqis. As for the oil - well of course it's a priority. It's the main source of income for the country. Iraq needs those oilfields to be protected more than the Americans do. But oil being the reason for war? Rubbish. I used to think that it was, then I realised how stupid a concept it was. What would be easier - ignoring the UN, amassing troops and sending them to probable death while capturing a dangerous war criminal, then spending huge amounts of time and effort trying to rebuild the country that the oil is in, all the while risking a second Vietnam...or would it be easier to ignore the UN and just go and drill the Arctic Circle, thus avoiding all that 'unjust war' bullshit? None of us like war, none of us want to see our own people get killed, and most of us despise the way our troops are treated. You take a very simplistic view of us, of the Americans in particular, and I'm afraid it's wrong. Most of the people on this site are testament to that. And so I ask you; would you rather Saddam Hussein and the Taliban been left controlling their respective countries? (PS as I remember, the Americans were attacked first, correct me if I'm wildly wrong)
Re: Memoirs of a Monk - St. Screamer by SupremeDreamer	8-Mar-06/3:49 AM
This is so damn funky! Absolute demon opener, and 'decayed ghosts' is very nice too.
Re: Relive the Fifth by Miggy	8-Mar-06/3:53 AM
This is great in places as a lyric, but other areas don't hold up as well in my view. Stanza 1 is nice, but stanza 2 is a little...erm...I don't really know how to describe it. 'You started a positive change'? I don't like that - not meaning to be rude, but I think you could find a more imaginative way of phrasing it. The schoolfight bit is pretty good, although a little Utopian I fear, and the ending isn't bad either. I just feel that with a but more imaginative wordplay this would get a whole lot better.
Re: The Thief by Niphredil	8-Mar-06/4:11 AM
Yes, a reflection of the way the condemned notices small details. Nice.
Re: Spinning, reeling by ecargo	8-Mar-06/9:45 AM
Heh...it took me while to get this one to open but the effort was worth it. This has possibly the greatest closing stanza of any political poem ever!
Re: Bent and Broken Wings by TLRufener	8-Mar-06/10:08 AM
Line 12 needs a typo fixing. This was quite nice...but it left me feeling a little unsatisfied. I found the last three lines good, quite evocative, but the rest of the poem failed to build up to it enough. I think the problem is that it's a bit vague and somewhat cliched - 'Doing what the heart feels/Instead of what the mind thinks' don't really make me feel or think anything. 'Lying alone at night/Wrapped in unloving blankets' is good and could easily be built upon; give me solid images rather than hazy emotions. Still, this has plenty of potential.
Re: The Dead Poet's Dream by drnick	9-Mar-06/4:36 AM
This is so close to being favourited; I love so many of the lines in here. The only one that didn't work for me is 'Sewing society's threads'...I'm not sure why, but that grated somehow. Other than that, I think the rhyme and structure is excellent and the wordplay is very good ('Ski his schemes', 'The scene is mosaic' (actually one of the best lines I've read of yours!), 'As he weaves his lines', etc.) Actually, now I think about it, there's so much that I like in here. Sod it. Favourited!
Re: _The Black Prince_ by Caducus	9-Mar-06/8:57 AM
I have little of use to say here, save that I don't give out tens with quite the frequency that I used to. So why is this a ten? Well it is just supreme. Every line demands its price in this, and that price is that I must read it again and again. So many sub-layers exist in here that don't follow through the entire poem; and I expect everyone who reads this can see different segments of their lives in every stanza. That is a rare achievement.
Re: the comet by pollywolly	9-Mar-06/11:56 AM
Quite cool, but you could probably turn this into a concrete poem. Which would be definitely cool. I liked the ending.
Re: Sour Apple by ecargo	9-Mar-06/1:36 PM
This is very groovy, it appeals to my sense of taste (no pun intended) as I'm sure you expected! I'd have liked to see the rhyme continued over stanza 3...although it's loose throughout the piece, it gets too loose there. Stanza 1 gave me the impression of violence, that seemed carried over stanza 2 as well (glassed, jagged etc.). Stanza 4 is excellent, vanity of fairytales always makes for superb imagery. With 'a copse of beeches, damascened' is there supposed to be the play on 'damsel' and 'damson' (damsel relating to the fairytale, damson relating to the 'foresty' theme there)? Because I read it that way - aided by a misreading of 'damascened' on first sight. I love the literal use of damascened there as well - nicely original. 8 for now, I feel that stanza 3 is in need of a little surgery to get up to the standard of the rest.
Re: Stella 130 by BenRice	9-Mar-06/1:42 PM
There's good potential here, but it's not quite living up to the promise it shows in places. 'Wires invade my couch' is good, made me think of springs sticking through the fabric. However, 'cat-poop' and 'moo-ing' in particular are (in my opinion) crying out to be replaced by something a little more...well, poetic. Still, a nice sentiment.
Re: The great seven of Coloumbia the space ship by Dhanesh M Kumar	10-Mar-06/3:45 AM
This is nice as a tribute, although grammatically it needs improvement. 'To siege' doesn't work - you can use siege as a verb, but it becomes 'besiege'. If you want it as a noun, put a comma after it "To siege, off beyond..." 'Up the fore' doesn't work either, I don't think. 'To the fore' would be fine though. Lines 4-6 I think I know what you mean but the wording is awkward. Also 'Colombia'. I think there are a couple of other corrections that need making, but I'll let someone else spot them. I really like the talk of seven seas/wonders/capes/sages, and 'the seven pearls of Colombia' is a great line. So is 'perhaps in pursuit of capes of ether'. Keep working at this one, it promises to be a really good poem!
regarding some deleted poem...	10-Mar-06/3:52 AM
This is pretty cool, and I like it a lot. Good use of the subject matter, and not overburdened with unnecessary emotion. In my view, 'living corpse roams to nowhere' doesn't quite work. You don't need 'living', and 'roams to nowhere' could be better, but having said that I can't think of anything better straight away. Also - the last line. I got your feelings from it, I got the sadness and distance...but the line is bulky. See if you can find a way of being a little more concise in the last line. Other than that - good!
Re: Emo Kid by Fayt	10-Mar-06/10:52 AM
Ha! You need to change it to: "I'll knit you a sweater And things will get better" In order for it to genuinely be a limerick. I heard from a friend that someone he knows got beaten up by a gang of about 17 emo kids...unbelievable isn't it? I can only assume they managed to depress him half to death...
Re: Buried in the Booth (edit) by drnick	10-Mar-06/2:45 PM
I've just remembered I said I'd come back to comment again on this; first things first, I can't get your 'Dead Poet's Dream' out of my head! As for this one; well aside from feeling prose-y, I can't find fault with it. Personally, I like lots of description in some poems - and you do it very well here. Stanza 5 = genius, in my opinion. And the penultimate and concluding stanzas work perfectly with the feel of the piece; a sort of resigned satisfaction. I hope I don't sound pretentious or patronising, but your writing has got so much better in recent posts!
Re: The Worst Poem Ever Created (edited) by drnick	10-Mar-06/2:46 PM
This is great fun!
Re: Crowded by INTRANSIT	11-Mar-06/4:22 PM
Good to see you back, my long-distance amigo! I like this, very catchy and ever so slightly surreal; personifying the gauges works very nicely. Line 4 feels a little...awkward though. 'Leaving naught to keep' felt much more archaic than the rest - but then again, I can't think of anything you might replace it with.