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Crowded (Other) by INTRANSIT Nineteen gauges lighting up the cab.
White and anxious needles making little stabs.
Passive indicators show their minute sweeps,
the scope of their inspections leaving naught to keep.
Nineteen meters tell their stories long
I turn the panel down, hearing what is wrong.
Up the ladder:
Social Rant
Down the ladder:
new clothes, same old story
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.6
Posted: December 29, 2005 6:21 AM PST; Last modified: March 11, 2006 4:17 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.0715218 Overall Rank: 6594 Comments:
[9]
Caducus @ 172.213.114.74
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29-Dec-05/7:35 AM
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Reply
wordplay maestro :_)
Maybe a twentieth gage would show semicolon twitches. I hear one sounding wrong, even without turning the panel down.
stinker.
I try.
Short and sweet. to the point.
Cool. Even with the forced line-ends. The second-to-last line needs punctuating.
Nicely done!
Good to see you back, my long-distance amigo! I like this, very catchy and ever so slightly surreal; personifying the gauges works very nicely. Line 4 feels a little...awkward though. 'Leaving naught to keep' felt much more archaic than the rest - but then again, I can't think of anything you might replace it with.
Thanks big R. And kudos for exposing that Imposter! I owe ya.
If I could pull this away from the end rhyme or atleast tone them down , it might be better . think so?
Well I like the rhymes - when I read it I didn't actually notice them at first as I was focusing on the images; so to me they work well as a rhythmic device. It's just line 4 that brought it to my attention, it was sort of a 'why's he said that...oh right' moment. I tend to find that it's easy to tell when a poem's been based around the rhymes, in contrast to the rhymes just being a tool. And they're definitely a tool here (which is preferable in my opinion), so there's probably no need for downtoning.
How about changing the whole rhyme. Maybe 'their minute arcs/sleepless in the dark' instead? I'm not sure, it might or might not work. I spent hours yesterday trying my hand at a villanelle so I'm kind of rhymed out at the moment.
I hear ya! Villanelles are a bitch. But so worth it! I'm hoping I can get mine dialed in someday. Maybe I should take it to read aloud at the bookstore tomorrow night. HAHAHAHAHA! Who am I kidding. my balls aint that big. the arcs/dark isn't a bad idea.
Heh, yes - it's going to take at least one more edit before I even think of putting it on the ranker, but if it's done right...well, as with every villanelle I've ever seen, if it's right it is a beauty! Take yours along - knowing how good you are with words I'm prepared to bet it works well.
Anyway, gotta get some sleep, footballing tomorrow - catch you later!
Very cool. I like your truckin' poems. I like the end rhymes here too. One suggestion: lose the archaic "naught"--just recast the line to keep "keep" (or find another line with an "eep" word at end). The "naught" really doesn't fit the rest of the poem, and the sense is a little squidgy anyway.
Common repetition?
you know Matt, the first thought did start every line with "Nineteen gauges". I knew I could do better. And I can do better than this too, eventually. thanks for the fence-vote.
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