Poemranker [Replying] Thu Nov 21 15:29:12 PST 2024

Replying to a comment on:

Nineteen gauges lighting up the cab. White and anxious needles making little stabs. Passive indicators show their minute sweeps, the scope of their inspections leaving naught to keep. Nineteen meters tell their stories long I turn the panel down, hearing what is wrong.

Ranger

11-Mar-06/4:44 PM

Well I like the rhymes - when I read it I didn't actually notice them at first as I was focusing on the images; so to me they work well as a rhythmic device. It's just line 4 that brought it to my attention, it was sort of a 'why's he said that...oh right' moment. I tend to find that it's easy to tell when a poem's been based around the rhymes, in contrast to the rhymes just being a tool. And they're definitely a tool here (which is preferable in my opinion), so there's probably no need for downtoning.
How about changing the whole rhyme. Maybe 'their minute arcs/sleepless in the dark' instead? I'm not sure, it might or might not work.
I spent hours yesterday trying my hand at a villanelle so I'm kind of rhymed out at the moment.

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