Ranger11 Mar 2006

Well I like the rhymes - when I read it I didn't actually notice them at first as I was focusing on the images; so to me they work well as a rhythmic device. It's just line 4 that brought it to my attention, it was sort of a 'why's he said that...oh right' moment. I tend to find that it's easy to tell when a poem's been based around the rhymes, in contrast to the rhymes just being a tool. And they're definitely a tool here (which is preferable in my opinion), so there's probably no need for downtoning.
How about changing the whole rhyme. Maybe 'their minute arcs/sleepless in the dark' instead? I'm not sure, it might or might not work.
I spent hours yesterday trying my hand at a villanelle so I'm kind of rhymed out at the moment.