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_The Black Prince_ (Free verse) by Caducus A siege of lashes
were her eyes armour,
a moat for her kingdom
once conquered by I,
the Black Prince.
Those who fight for lost causes
are gallant cowards.
I saw the battlefield
yet was blind to the casualties
my blue Princess.
Knights are often shrouded,
only seen when glorious.
I was heroic when I lowered my arms
around her waist,
surrendering my flesh for lips
that became my war cry.
I was slain by myself.
Absent from your battle inside,
as good as dead to you
since I entered another kingdom.
From the lavender knoll
I watch your new Prince enter
cheer and garlands bestow him
and I am left in a jeering wind
which whispers Seppuku.
Up the ladder:
Portofino
Down the ladder:
The Advice
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.75
Posted: March 9, 2006 7:27 AM PST; Last modified: March 9, 2006 7:27 AM PSTWeighted score: 5.2086053 Overall Rank: 4526 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
This is extremely good. However, I disagree with Ranger in that it still needs some work.
First and foremost, 'Seppuku' jarred on me intensely because I had envisioned a medieval setting; it doesn't seem to harmonize at all with the rest of the poem. In addition, shouldn't "conquered by I" be "conquered by me; the Black Prince"? Not until I had read the poem again did I notice that the narrator was forced to conquer the kingdom; but the other prince was greeted by cheer(s?) and garlands. I guess he had it easier...
A fair point, although I saw the contrast of settings as quite appropriate - the love which he had went wrong, so move to something different. I read the last line as almost an invitation...the wind jeers, true, but almost in a 'told you so' kind of way - suggesting that he should instead go wherever the jeering wind came from.
Does that make any sense?
To me this is just a piece of pretentious crap. Jeering winds that whisper seppuku? Imagine how that sounds: like someone has knocked its front teeth out. sssseppuku...
'surrendering my flesh for lips that became my war cry.' Yeah, life's a bitch. 272 view(s)
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A lot about men in this one. The end isnt so much a death of him in the mortal sense but a death of what he had and i guess seppuku is out of contrast but its the suicide throes of a samurai when he dishonours himself. The sword is an almost phallic representation and the kingdom entered is meant in a sexual context. I courted with the idea of using the lady in the lake and lady of shallot but figured enough was said.
I'm not 100% happy with it but it serves as a warning i guess to those who have something good in a woman and cheat on them and themselves.
Conscience is a battle.