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Stella 130 (Sonnet) by BenRice Her coat is nothing like those dogs' in ads.
QVC gems hold more green than her eyes.
If coal is black, well then her flanks are soot.
If hairs be wires, then wires invade my couch.
I've seen greyhounds that race like thoroughbreds.
No such greyhound exists in my dog's gait.
And in some alleys on trash day the smell
Is more inviting than her cat-poop breath.
I love the moo-ing sounds she makes asleep,
But nails on chalkboards best her shrill whine.
And no epitome of grace is she:
When her long tail is wagged, mayhem occurs.
And yet, on Earth, no friend I've ever had
Has given devoted love like my dog.
Up the ladder:
We Have Never Spoken
Down the ladder:
Listless Nights
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.8
Posted: March 9, 2006 12:23 PM PST; Last modified: March 9, 2006 12:23 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.095362 Overall Rank: 6131 Comments:
There's good potential here, but it's not quite living up to the promise it shows in places. 'Wires invade my couch' is good, made me think of springs sticking through the fabric. However, 'cat-poop' and 'moo-ing' in particular are (in my opinion) crying out to be replaced by something a little more...well, poetic.
Still, a nice sentiment.
For both Ranger and Dovina:
This was more something to amuse my wife. We had been looking at Shakespeare's sonnets to be read at our wedding. I thought I'd amuse her one day with my take on Sonnet 130. Some of it is hardly "poetic", but then, neither is my dog. So, you're right, it's something that could be more than an amusement if I spent some time on it. But really, any promise it shows is probably because I ripped it off from Bill. (Yes I just called him Bill. Is that super-pretentious?)
Cute idea, to twist Sonnet 130 so that it's about a dog, but execution's off. You lose iambic pentameter in line 2; "dogs'" in line one shouldn't be possessive, some other things--but those are just nits. Mostly i think it just needs more original language, particularly st. 3 (nails on chalkboards a cliche; so's "epitome of grace," really, and the long tail causing mayhem--things like that).
Welcome back, btw.
Yay, someone recognized it for what it is, just a fun little take on 130. You're right about the more original language. I need to sit with this one a lot longer to make it into something that isn't so trite. The execution of the iambic pentameter., or lack thereof, irks me. And the apostrophe... well, that was just stupidity.
Btw, thanks. I didn't know I had been missed. :) 138 view(s)
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"If coal is black" seems trite. Why not just "As coal . . .
"greyhounds that race" could drop the "that."
"long tail is wagged" Passive voice could be made active.
And If her name is stella, why not make it the last word?