poemranker ::Even the elephants by ecargo

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Free verse № 138035

Even the elephants

by ecargo

Member since 2002 · Posted 1 Feb 2006 · Edited 3 Feb 2006 · 12 comments

Now the elephants know— they have learned the high places where green forest walls form a calyx around them, hiding the sky (even the sky). So still in the dim brush, their gray bulks shift shape to shadow, pierced leaf-light. They fade in the gloom and hide like the sky. For thick on thick air: the sulfurous storm stink, windborne, the blood scent, far thunder, a portent of days red with men. The hard hail that kills, the hard eyes that see through the tangle to sky, and even the elephants, even the elephants die.

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mean 9.17 weighted 6.12 rank 1093 views 305 View voting details →

6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

A favorite of Alizarin_Crimson, Ranger.

12 comments

[4] god'swife 1-Feb-06/5:33 PM Reply
It's a bit strained. Though I do like the use of mostly one syllable words, it seems to stutter and I can't get a clear image.

You've out-Plathed Plath.
[4] god'swife › god'swife 1-Feb-06/8:02 PM Reply
It seems that you've already conjured the images, you only need to find the proper words. Don't give up on this.
[7] LilMsLadyPoet 2-Feb-06/8:42 AM Reply
...and hide like the sky?
Consider dropping one of the 'hard' (at eyes, IMO)
3rd. stanza a little bit uncomfortable in rythm.
I like this...just needs a tweak.
[8] ALChemy 2-Feb-06/3:33 PM Reply
Such a good concept. It needs more details. Paint us a vivid scene and then reveal their doom at the end and it will probably pack a bigger punch.
[9] zodiac 3-Feb-06/9:40 AM Reply
Bourne is an amnesiac super-assassin. You mean windborne. Good poem.
[n/a] ecargo › zodiac 3-Feb-06/2:48 PM Reply
Some might think this could use an amnesiac super-assassin. I do mean windborne. Thanks.
[4] god'swife 3-Feb-06/6:43 PM Reply
The 3rd stanza should be left alone, it works.

'Now the elephants know' clashes with 'they have learned the high places' you could put 'for' at the beginning of the second line or you could take that first line off the top and place it somewhere towards the bottom. Try reading it starting on the second line, it makes a much better intro.

I don't think the sky could hide itself. Although it might work if it stood perfectly still in the corner with a lampshade on its head.

If by 'hail' you mean bullets, I think you should search for a better symbol. 'Hard hail' sounds like hard hail, hail can kill afterall.

The first line might fit nicely above the last two lines of your poem.
[n/a] ecargo › god'swife 4-Feb-06/9:49 AM Reply
Ha--yeah, that crazy sky and its lampshade. The trees hide the sky and the trees hide the elephants, that's all I meant, but yeah, good point.

The em-dash stands in for "for." Me and my ems.

Too close to this--if/when I rewrite, I'll definitely consider your suggestions. Thanks for the thoughtful comments and for spending the time, lady.
[8] Angelicasassy 5-Feb-06/7:24 PM Reply
very good.
[9] Ranger 13-Mar-06/7:40 AM Reply
Vivid! Very few poems actually take me to the scene; this one is an exception. Once again I think your word choice is impeccable...no fault with this one whatsoever. Stanza 3 was great and stanza 4 was even better!
[9] Ranger › Ranger 17-Mar-06/4:11 PM Reply
P.S. - Favourited.
[8] Sunny 6-Apr-06/11:08 AM Reply
Your imagery is nice, very thoughtful, but you hardly out-Plathed Plath, coming from a Plath researcher & fan (this is not an insult by any means, & I hope you don't interpret it as one). I understand perfectly the concept of a hidden sky-don't see what all the uproar is on that part?? Our styles are a bit similar, so maybe I can just picture the scene clearly with your choice of imagery. The only part I didn't care for was, "For thick on thick air"-I just don't think it adds any elements poetically of thematically. Great theme by the way.

~Sunny