god'swife3 Feb 2006

The 3rd stanza should be left alone, it works.

'Now the elephants know' clashes with 'they have learned the high places' you could put 'for' at the beginning of the second line or you could take that first line off the top and place it somewhere towards the bottom. Try reading it starting on the second line, it makes a much better intro.

I don't think the sky could hide itself. Although it might work if it stood perfectly still in the corner with a lampshade on its head.

If by 'hail' you mean bullets, I think you should search for a better symbol. 'Hard hail' sounds like hard hail, hail can kill afterall.

The first line might fit nicely above the last two lines of your poem.