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Even the elephants (Free verse) by ecargo

Now the elephants know— they have learned the high places where green forest walls form a calyx around them, hiding the sky (even the sky). So still in the dim brush, their gray bulks shift shape to shadow, pierced leaf-light. They fade in the gloom and hide like the sky. For thick on thick air: the sulfurous storm stink, windborne, the blood scent, far thunder, a portent of days red with men. The hard hail that kills, the hard eyes that see through the tangle to sky, and even the elephants, even the elephants die.

god'swife 3-Feb-06/6:43 PM
The 3rd stanza should be left alone, it works.

'Now the elephants know' clashes with 'they have learned the high places' you could put 'for' at the beginning of the second line or you could take that first line off the top and place it somewhere towards the bottom. Try reading it starting on the second line, it makes a much better intro.

I don't think the sky could hide itself. Although it might work if it stood perfectly still in the corner with a lampshade on its head.

If by 'hail' you mean bullets, I think you should search for a better symbol. 'Hard hail' sounds like hard hail, hail can kill afterall.

The first line might fit nicely above the last two lines of your poem.




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