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i realize (Free verse) by http://robynhood so as the day is ending
and your so far away
i think in confused nature
about us today
when together we're apart
and away i think of you
but forever seems right now
and i'm always so confused
my mind is always racing
and when i see i freeze
but when we start to talk
i've known you all my years
so as i say goodnight
not to your face as i'd wish
i realize whats wrong
all i want is a kiss
Up the ladder:
Lower than low
Down the ladder:
His Light
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.2
Posted: March 12, 2006 3:37 PM PST; Last modified: March 12, 2006 3:37 PM PSTWeighted score: 4.904638 Overall Rank: 9846 Comments:
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http://robynhood @ 216.209.139.68
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12-Mar-06/3:39 PM
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Reply
in my mind as i read this everything is still a blur
Read this aloud before you post it next time - sounds quite improper - does it not? Thought and emotion are placed well - but grammar and meter is quite lacking.
Not bad, but it needs work. Stanza 1: First line is great but would profit from more imaginative language (give a bit of colour to it). Line two "your" should be "you're". "In confused nature" sounds too much like you're trying to be pseudo-philosophical.
Stanza 2: again the first line isn't bad, but it gets meaningless with the second line. 'When together we're apart...' is fine, but 'when together we're apart and away' loses any real sense. It seems like you meant something else but didn't quite make it work as you intended. Stanza 3 is a little cliched - try and replace 3/4 of the lines with something a little more original. Stanza 4 is good. Hope these suggestions are of some use.
Invest in education. It makes relationships so much less blurry.
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