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Desolation (Free verse) by Beyond_Dreams I'm hiding within this cascading oppression.
your breath carries me away,
so I reach for you;
but nothing seems tangible.
Shuffling emotions from deep within,
scatter along the roadside;
hidden from my own existence.
The shadows dance when I fall
upon broken glass.
My damaged body only seems like
a reflection from my insanity
buried inside my innocence.
And the world spins around me
manipulating reality to a paradigm,
Scorched and shunned I denounce you.
And it's not until I pull my individuality back
and let that hold me together,
that I remember you.
I no longer need to sacrifice who I am
to be happy without you,
It's that I'm happy with you.
I'm happy knowing I don't have to succumb to
the conglomerate views of the world and I'm no
longer poisoned with lies. Axiom.
Up the ladder:
Where could you be
Down the ladder:
Brethren, oblivion is not the road to the city Ataraxis.
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Posted: March 13, 2006 12:13 AM PST; Last modified: September 10, 2006 3:52 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.928861 Overall Rank: 9156 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
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13-Mar-06/5:25 AM
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Reply
Kind of defiant which is nice to see. The problem with it, though, is that it's all been written before. For example, 'broken dreams' makes me assume you listen to Green Day. If you could make this something new and innovative it would work well.
[n/a]
Dark Angle @ 68.96.87.234
> Ranger
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13-Mar-06/3:42 PM
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what always bothers me is that when Green Day or U2 does it they are hailed as prolific artists with vision and great depth but when some Joe Everybody does it they are lamblasted as charlatans of the world of words.
[7]
Ranger @ 62.252.32.15
> Dark Angle
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13-Mar-06/3:45 PM
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Reply
Having never hailed Green Day or U2 I think I get away with my lambasting...besides, I was polite, wasn't I?
Could do without so many uses of "my."
I like it alot and the cliches dont bother me.
This is probably because i can relate personally to the poem. good work.
You don't seem to have ever read actual poetry.
I think it would be much stronger if you left out the line Because I've matured, the rest is quite nice.
Another way of saying Verse 7 is "I don't have to sacrifice who I am to be happy with you." That's nice either way.
I really like it. :D
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