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Navy Pier (Free verse) by matt door Lake Michigan's
soft ceaseless cobalt breakers,
its dulcet breeze by the Beer Garden,
in such peculiar concert
with your silly laugh,
blew your strawberry hair against my cheek,
as I drank the rest of your warm Black & Tan,
and stared at the shimmering of your freckled shoulder;
half-concerned sweat and sun,
could make such splendor.
Up the ladder:
Outside the Perfection, Into the Yellow
Down the ladder:
Harp Song of the Prawne Men
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 7.2
Posted: March 10, 2006 7:40 PM PST; Last modified: March 10, 2006 8:07 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.2622466 Overall Rank: 3958 Comments:
[10]
ecargo @ 63.22.8.115
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10-Mar-06/7:56 PM
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Reply
I love it. My only suggestions: "it's" (line 3) should be "its"; and delete the period after laugh and lowercase "blew" (run-in), since it's modified by "breeze". Small stuff.
[10]
ecargo @ 63.22.8.115
> ecargo
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10-Mar-06/8:01 PM
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Reply
Oh, yeah, and fix "Lake's."
[n/a]
matt door @ 65.32.138.73
> ecargo
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10-Mar-06/8:11 PM
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Reply
Thank you.
I ain't familiar with drinks... and tell me, Black and Tan, what is it? Beer? Yeah, cancel the 'Lake'. Good work matt.
Stop posting this same poem. Are you ready to be Mature now, Doug?
No - I can't.
'In such peculiar concert/with your silly laugh' did it for me. A simple poem which manages to end up greater than the sum of its lines.
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