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Endless Battle (Free verse) by rahson_s
Unscripted, stripped, faster, disaster awaits, hung over and strung out, dependent on more than you will ever know, below sea level she penetrates my lies and picks out truth, the honest truth is I lie too much, the damage has been done, I'm losing this battle with my pen, she knows me very well, my ups and downs, do's and don'ts, another chapter in my head wishing to debut to a page, she envies my mind, they do not get along at times, through chatter and character building I'm living proof that art is a passion, the words often expresses itself, I just control the hand that writes the words, all while playing mediator between my mind and my pen

Up the ladder: Darker Days
Down the ladder: Unless Redux

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.0
Weighted score: 5.119203
Overall Rank: 5795
Posted: March 15, 2006 7:21 AM PST; Last modified: March 15, 2006 7:21 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 15-Mar-06/7:44 AM | Reply
'debut to a page' is quite good, so are the last two lines (although it would probably work better if the last line was just 'mind and pen').

So...what's with this general trend of people posting and not commenting on anyone else's works?
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 > Ranger | 15-Mar-06/8:35 AM | Reply
Yeah, really. Sometimes I wish it were more like Garageband.com--you have to give something to get something.
[8] ecargo @ 167.219.88.140 | 15-Mar-06/8:30 AM | Reply
Don't want to be the punctuation police, but punctuation would help this, I think--make it more clear and accessible. It's got energy and a good narrative flow to it. Could tighten a few places (" . . . she penetrates my lies/and picks out truth: I lie too much, the damage has been done; I'm losing this battle with my pen." Maybe break there, too, and start a new line or stanza with "she knows me very well." Watch your cliches ("I'm living proof") and pay some attention to breaks, etc., and this could be even better.
[9] http://mulberryfairy @ 169.244.70.146 | 15-Mar-06/2:39 PM | Reply
I like the kind of manic feel of this, it makes it more convincing.
[n/a] Dental Panic @ 84.27.6.94 | 16-Mar-06/8:06 AM | Reply
Writing about writing - it must be fucking good to be at least a bit interesting.
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dental Panic | 16-Mar-06/8:09 AM | Reply
Well we've got meta-kus, why not meta-free verses?
I wrote a meta-villanelle the other day. Aren't I clever?
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