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Endless Battle (Free verse) by rahson_s

Unscripted, stripped, faster, disaster awaits, hung over and strung out, dependent on more than you will ever know, below sea level she penetrates my lies and picks out truth, the honest truth is I lie too much, the damage has been done, I'm losing this battle with my pen, she knows me very well, my ups and downs, do's and don'ts, another chapter in my head wishing to debut to a page, she envies my mind, they do not get along at times, through chatter and character building I'm living proof that art is a passion, the words often expresses itself, I just control the hand that writes the words, all while playing mediator between my mind and my pen

ecargo 15-Mar-06/8:30 AM
Don't want to be the punctuation police, but punctuation would help this, I think--make it more clear and accessible. It's got energy and a good narrative flow to it. Could tighten a few places (" . . . she penetrates my lies/and picks out truth: I lie too much, the damage has been done; I'm losing this battle with my pen." Maybe break there, too, and start a new line or stanza with "she knows me very well." Watch your cliches ("I'm living proof") and pay some attention to breaks, etc., and this could be even better.




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