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Indianapolis Since (Free verse) by matt door Behind school 61 -
in the wide-eyed field of green and was,
still stands that willow tree,
with the carved trunk,
of the names and hearts of Patricia Street;
Still shadowing the love
of young wishes;
Casting the perfect shade of once;
I'll wait for you in Indianapolis -
and miss you in between.
Up the ladder:
Cold Nights In Ohio
Down the ladder:
Deluge
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.75
Posted: March 14, 2006 7:34 PM PST; Last modified: March 14, 2006 7:43 PM PSTWeighted score: 5.089402 Overall Rank: 6336 Comments:
[7]
Dovina @ 69.175.32.104
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14-Mar-06/7:45 PM
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Reply
Seems like "the love of young wishes" should be "the wishes of young love." A nice sentiment.
I don't know, I think 'the love of young wishes' works just as well. This is nice, you are very good at writing brief, nostalgic poems! I'm not sure about 'field of green and was', or 'perfect shade of once'...something a little more logical might fit better - but even so, it works well as it is.
wide eyed field is a good line giving possibilities of the sun being the eye or blooms.
The sentiment is nice but you should learn to curb sarcasm and disrespectful digs because it gives you a superioeity complex that will not win you respect on here. 172 view(s)
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