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Black Belt (Free verse) by etherealmaiden Homework to do
Grades to get
I must be perfect
Tighten the Belt
Roommate troubles
Feeling left out
I must try harder
Tighten the Belt
Room is a mess
Parents are mad
I must clean up
Tighten the Belt
Friends are gone
Relationships lost
I must find a way
Tighten the Belt
Couples all around
Love in the air
I must get a man
Tighten the Belt
Eating less food
Reflection looks worse
I must lose weight
Tighten the Belt
Everything's wrong
Never good enough
I must get it right
Failing to breathe
Spiraling thoughts
I am in heaven
One more notch
Up the ladder:
It's A Long Way From Heaven
Down the ladder:
collars i have worn--exhibit 3
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.4
Posted: May 2, 2004 12:30 PM PDT; Last modified: May 2, 2004 12:30 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.7 Overall Rank: 1958 Comments:
[7]
wilco @ 24.176.102.131
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2-May-04/4:01 PM
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Reply
This seems to be a statement on anorexia nervosa, no?
[n/a]
etherealmaiden @ 66.71.73.78
> wilco
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3-May-04/8:46 AM
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Reply
not exactly for me, but it's whatever you make of it... so sure. For me it is about strangulation and pulling tighter as you think about all of the things that you can't do right and all the pressure. They are both forms of self-mutualtion and it works for both. *shrugs* it's up for interpretation
I'd quite like it if you tightened the belt around your hands.
can i get an explanation of why you think it doesn't work? Isn't this supposed to be a constructive process?
Allow me to talk to you about Dark Angel. Anything you write which he finds clever, smart, true, inspiring, etc., he does not respond to. He waits for your oversight, slip, or weak statement in an area where he knows more, and then he pounces. He has a hundred words for feces and sprinkles them freely in place of your poem, your comment, your idea, your knowledge, or your name. If you show him up or teach him something, he simply ignores you. If he finds error, he attacks the error while ignoring the substance of your statement. He is the Western outlaw before Law. He lives by ruthlessness and therefore wins. Dark Angel will always win because he shoots in the back, kills the easy prey, and there is no law against it. You can ignore him or fight him. Both methods fail in a lawless society like Poemranker. I hope this helps.
Yes. That is exactly true.
Thank you, I thought so.
Except that my name isn't 'Dark Angel', it's '-=Dark_Angel=-'. I went to the trouble of legally changing it, so you might as well get it right.
Guess I could grant you that.
WOW... that whole thing took place while i was away. Thanks for all the info and i'll look out for all of it in the future. ;)
To Know Him, is to Love Him - to Love Him, is to loose all hope.
I must say that it does convey a sense of increasing constriction.
How 'bout making this a concrete with a shape like an hourglass?
Das a good'n idear.
i'm not much for concrete poetry, but i'll look into it, thanks! how do you suggest doing it since all the lines are the same length... just push them altogether until i get the right shape?
I agree with nowhereman. This poeme shouts anorexia nervosa.
I get a sense of anorexogenic environment (the expectations) and an anorexic mindset (the repetition of tighten the belt and the disordered nature of the poem as it draws in all its threads).
This is cool, nicely concise - fast as though struggling for breath (due to the belt being too tight). There are a couple of places where I'd change word choices purely for rhythmical reasons - 'couples all around' I'd change to 'couples around', 'I must lose weight' would work better as 'I have to lose weight', but to be fair these are just small issues. Overall, not bad!
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