DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Looking Back

Member since 2004 · Posted 17 Mar 2006 · 8 comments

Looking back I wonder what my life would be like if I had done things differently I realize that one single tiny thing can change everything I try to picture what my life would be like without certain people Looking back it's hard to remember parts of my life Yet it seems like just yesterday I was in elementry school Where I met my one true love Looking back I wonder how my life would be different If I had never asked him to be my boyfriend It scares me to think of a life without him I think I am supposed to be with him forever Looking back there are some things I wish I had done differently Now I can't change any of it What's done is done

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6 votes so far. Yours would make 7.6 votes so far

8 comments

[7] Ranger 17-Mar-06/3:49 PM Reply

Hmm...potential, but it really needs changes (in my opinion). The ideas are nice but the word choices don't do it any sort of justice. Try using fewer pronouns (this is a pretty universal rule), particularly if you want the reader to 'relate'.
Also...think about rewriting this in the 3rd person - it gives you a lot more scope to be creative, to invent imagery and use metaphorical language. Which will earn you bonus points on here, trust me.
Keep working at it.

[6] MacFrantic 18-Mar-06/12:08 AM Reply

Good "conversational" piece, but a bit lacking as a poem. Was "elementry" intentional? Please say it was. *6*

[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › MacFrantic 18-Mar-06/5:28 AM Reply

I actually did not do that on purpose. I made a typing error. But down here were don't say elementary. We say elementry! LOL I had it written down as elementary. I just made a little mistake, and knowbody is perfect.

[7] Ranger › x0lovelylarnx0 18-Mar-06/6:27 AM Reply

'knowbody is perfect'...that is possibly the most ironic thing I've ever seen! I don't mean to sound harsh, it just made me chuckle. 'Element'ry' fits better than 'elementary' would.

[n/a] x0lovelylarnx0 › Ranger 18-Mar-06/11:14 AM Reply

Lol sorry about that I just took it the wrong way! When I was a kid I always spelled things the way they sounded. A horrible thing to grow up with!!! LOL Cause when we had spelling test I would always do that. I also think elementry fits better elementary sounds funny to me so I don't think I'm going to change it!! Sorry again that I took you the wrong way!

[7] Ranger › x0lovelylarnx0 19-Mar-06/4:27 PM Reply

No worries, just a lighthearted post, that's all. Don't worry about changing 'elementry'. Phonetic poetry sometimes works well, but it takes a lot of practise to get working.

[5] wilco 19-Mar-06/1:25 AM Reply

Some good sentiments, but just not a very...ummm..daring? poem..just not too inventive...could be worked on and turned into something though.

[0] pete 19-Oct-07/2:14 PM Reply

i'm sorry but your stuff is really dreadful ....