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My God (Free verse) by ElmoBeavisButthead
My god is not above the clouds, Nor below my feet, My god is within me, Everyday, Every moment, Through happiness, Through heartbreak. My god is my everything, My muse, My will, My spirit, My love, My mind, My sin, My soul. Everyone has their own god, Everyone is their own god, For they can change themselves, And the world around them, Whenever they feel like. My god is many things in this world, A leader, A follower, A sinner, A friend, A lover. Good or dire, We all are gods.

Up the ladder: 1945
Down the ladder: if really its me

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.25
Weighted score: 4.910598
Overall Rank: 9620
Posted: March 18, 2006 6:05 AM PST; Last modified: March 18, 2006 6:05 AM PST
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Comments:
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 18-Mar-06/6:13 AM | Reply
Hmm, I never was one for existential thought, but it's not a bad poem. I like the fact that it's concise, in a way, but then I'd also like to see it more...substantial, if you see what I mean. The first line sets a good tone for the poem; but as far as imagery goes you don't capitalise on the potential. I don't know, maybe you don't want visuals in here...that's fair enough, but my preference is to see something tactile - particularly something creative, something vivid and imaginative. Having said that, however, what you do say is said well...you don't give in to the 'preach-y' nature that often accompanies poems such as this. Have a look round various poems on here - see what you think to the styles kicking about.
7 from me - with any luck you'll get some useful advice from the better poets here.
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 18-Mar-06/6:24 AM | Reply
Oh - and I'd change the title. It seems like an exclamation at the moment and gave me a false impression before I read the poem. Don't be afraid to try a slightly more pretentious title (I love coming up with cool titles) - you could play on the biblical 'I Am' - which is the classic trick in a poem like this. So, for instance, "God, I Am" might work, or even just "I Am". What do you think?
[n/a] ElmoBeavisButthead @ 152.163.100.13 > Ranger | 18-Mar-06/6:29 AM | Reply
Gosh you come up with great titles! I may steal one of 'em..lol
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ElmoBeavisButthead | 18-Mar-06/6:49 AM | Reply
Heh, go for it! Or rather, take a title (or phrase, or anything you like) and use it as inspiration for your own thoughts. Pick up a book of quotations - they are absolute goldmines of great ideas. The trick is to make it your own. I tried this in my last post ('Mid-July'), a sort of attempt at emulating Poe. Whether it worked or not is a different matter.
[n/a] ElmoBeavisButthead @ 152.163.100.65 | 18-Mar-06/6:31 AM | Reply
It's just I don't think it would sound right with "I" in there..
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > ElmoBeavisButthead | 18-Mar-06/6:36 AM | Reply
Yeah, I see what you mean. It might sound a bit more...erm, arrogant, perhaps, than the poem is intended to be. Whatever you choose, try to avoid the overused ideas ('God of mine', 'God' etc.). Be as original and innovative as you possibly can - believe it or not, a really classy title is a springboard for all sorts of ideas - you could well find it giving rise to a whole host of images that you can include.
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