Re: A naughty strumpet by John Rambo	1-Jun-06/4:58 AM
This is pretty much the ultimate limerick. Taboo no longer exists.
Re: plugs by 7!3	1-Jun-06/5:03 AM
Great opener, I like the simplicity of this - gentle and fragmented like falling asleep. Question with lines 8 and 9 - 'I listen to/if you're gone..' makes no grammatical sense, unless 'if you're gone' is a song you're referring to (in which case you need to show that), which didn't quite fit right with you falling asleep. Not at all bad though.
Re: "The Sound of the Blade" by Dark Moor by D. $ Fontera	1-Jun-06/5:07 AM
Sort of Achilles' comprehending, but it feels very much like a gamer's poem (not a bad thing, by the way). The piece wasn't bad, but it's a dramatic poem in not-so-dramatic language. I just felt that it was the sort of poem which is designed to be over-written. Still fairly enjoyable.
Re: An unfinished lyric by thepinkbunnyofdoom	1-Jun-06/5:10 AM
'Cue'. Decent rhymes without being overly inventive. I really liked the first stanza and the first half of stanza two. I'd like to see this complete, for sure.
Re: Descartes' Immortal Truth by Edna Sweetlove	1-Jun-06/5:14 AM
Last line goes on a bit. A bit overwritten ('What truth!'). Not bad though.
Re: have you ever by wordpainter	1-Jun-06/5:19 AM
In response to lines 1-22: 'no', and to line 24: 'yes'. Have a comb through this for spelling and punctuation; the spellcheck on Word would pick out all the errors in here, I believe. I suppose it stays fairly true to the title, but you'd do better to pick one of the images here (lines 7-8 or 9 would be good ones) and just write about that specific idea. 8 because you've had about a million views and no votes or comments yet.
Re: dr. bowmp bowmp by FreeFormFixation	1-Jun-06/5:23 AM
Stanza 3 is absolutely glorious. I'd get rid of stanzas 4 and 8, they detract from the amusement of the rest of it. The end of stanza 4 put me in mind of Crash Test Dummies' 'Here I Stand Before Me'. Great song.
Re: Painkillers for Fun by Sunny	1-Jun-06/5:45 AM
Having missed a few weeks' worth of posts, I'll have to take some time out to work through your recent ones. Small nitpicks: line 20 - sun's 'blinked' is awkward where it is. I had to pause to work out if you meant it as a verb, or if it was an adjective (as in 'blinkered'). I assume it's as a verb, in which case I'd put it at the end of the previous line for clarity. 'these disengaged thoughts' - personally I'd leave either 'these' or 'disengaged', it's a bit cumbersome at the moment. 'White pupils'...? Next: I really enjoyed the scene this painted - you bring in a lot of hospital imagery (clouds = sheets/curtains, sun's light = spotlight above bed etc. etc. etc.) and convey the helplessness well. Opening stanza = fantastic, use of the poppies tells us everything we need to know without being anywhere near too direct. If I may borrow from Empson, the way in which you use 'dogs' in interesting from an etymological perspective - the word has changed from being very derisive to becoming a term of affection, and in the poem, the protagonist seems to view the dogs with the same shifting perception. Was that intentional? Final point for now - I like the repeated use of 'white', but think it's too much in the final stanza (plus 'white pupils' didn't work for me). I'd have preferred it if you'd used 'white' once in each stanza after the first; it would have carried the same impact, I think, without getting too repetitive. Top poem though.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Jun-06/5:59 AM
Awesome description, but I didn't like the last line. There's a creepier dimension to this as well, but I'll come back for another look before I go too deep into it because I could be reading it all wrong. Generally super though.
Re: Seizures by Sunny	1-Jun-06/6:13 AM
Made me think of an elderly yet defiant lady (old pictures, 'tired again', porcelain etc.) perhaps having just had an operation on her eyes ('sky strained of all fogged impurities'). Alternatively it could be someone who's just died after a long illness and is seeing the world clearly as a spectre. *reads comments* Okay, so I was half right. You bring good description to it - is it important to you that we see it as someone young talking? If so, it needs to be just a little clearer. 'I am tired again as the sun waltzes over my head making a bow' is utterly gorgeous. Possibly my favourite line of recent times.
Re: I WANT TO BE THE PRESIDENT! by mindsigns	1-Jun-06/9:33 AM
Amusing, presumably accurate. Loved the combination of big red buttons and foreign suppers. 'Airforce One spells FUN FUN FUN!'...heh...
Re: Descendent by MacFrantic	1-Jun-06/10:01 AM
If it's any consolation, I got the play in the title. I'd have preferred it if the second line in every couplet hadn't been so brief - very jarring as it is, and line 2 - 'see' was far too colloquial for the child of a goddess. Still, it has an immensely apocalyptic feel to it.
Re: Farm animals by INTRANSIT	1-Jun-06/1:40 PM
Just a hint of pride there? Good work, my friend - best of luck as well.
Re: razorblade kisses by wordpainter	1-Jun-06/1:57 PM
Okay, let's see what can be said about this one. I'd recommend not writing about suicide or self-harm in poetry for the most part; if you have a look through the archives here you will find thousands of poems all running along the same lines as this. That's not to say that you shouldn't write about it if it's something you want to write about, but you have to bear in mind that the audience (i.e. other poemranker users) will have seen more 'pain' poetry than we'd like to remember so if you want it to be read, it has to be seriously memorable. Be inventive, be unique, be as original as you can. Read, say, thirty suicide poems on here, note every recurring phrase or image, and never use them in anything you write. The best way to be creative is by devising new metaphors. Often a poem which is written with a gentle surface but creepier undertones is far more hard-hitting than a poem which just says 'I cut myself'. The ultimate achievement is to write a piece which seems all happy and joyful, but leaves the reader with a nagging doubt until they finally realise that it's about bestial necrophilia. Or something like that. Next point - the eternal rule is 'show, don't tell'. If you show me a scene with enough clues for me to interpret it, I will be far more interested than if you tell me there's a dead body in a river. Last point for now (I'll come back to this if you want) - don't write about abstract emotions and concepts too much. Use strong, powerful images (and other poetic devices) and these will automatically carry the force of whatever feelings you're trying to convey. Well that's it for now, good luck with your writing. I'd advise giving a few comments and votes to people, otherwise you may find yourself lacking - particularly at the moment; hardly anyone's saying anything at the moment. Peace
Re: Still Air Sticks by Sunny	1-Jun-06/2:15 PM
I see nothing grammatically wrong with this. Morrows are also merely 'mornings', with a little interpretation that line makes perfect sense to me, although it is admittedly a fairly archaic usage of the word. What I love about your poetry (among other things) is that I just keep getting drawn back...whenever I think I've cracked something, I see something else which could lead to another route of interpretation. I don't often find that balance in poetry. Not only that, but I always find myself learning new vocabulary and advanced lexicon without the poem feeling at all stilted. I like having to do a bit of research when I'm reading poems, and you leave enough clues within the lines to point me in the right direction. As for this particular poem, well I have a few ideas brewing about it to which I will return tomorrow. For now I'll just say that if my inclination is right, and I figure this one out without too much assistance, this is probably your best so far. I wouldn't normally vote this early in a reading, but to nullify the trolling damage here's a 9. I'll be back to this one though, rest assured.
Re: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden by oneglove	2-Jun-06/11:17 AM
This is strong although the rhythm is interrupted in line 8 and the final two lines. Perhaps: 'He still loves them' 'From dark November/The light of spring'
Re: Heil Pope by Caducus	2-Jun-06/11:23 AM
I get the point of this, but I feel it would be stronger if it was less direct. 'Heil Father' would make for a catchier title, and 'heil' is an awkward word to use in a haiku because the way it's pronounced is borderline 1-2 syllables ('hai-yull').
Re: When You Wish by Enkidu	2-Jun-06/11:29 AM
Catchy, although the flow could be worked on in a few places - for example the first line's pretty abrupt. Maybe make it: 'I watched a star that/wasn't really shooting...' Nice rhymes though and the end has a decent ambiguity to it; the contrast between not believing something and still having that glimmer of hope that the mysteries you believed in as a child might just be true. Or something like that.
Re: Won’t Somebody Be My Friend by amanda_dcosta	2-Jun-06/11:36 AM
Wow, that was a lengthy read. I like the fundamental setup of the piece but you lose the rhythm in places and it needs to be solid throughout, because if it does, the swift flow of it will make the poem feel less epic to the reader. Stanza 1 was the best; you stuck close to the way in which an old man would tell his tales there. In stanzas 2 and 3 it gets quite abstract - talking about feelings, beliefs etc. - whereas someone talking about their life would be more likely to use events to convey emotions. There are some lines/passages in here which are very forced; these really ought to be worked out - if you're telling a tale, keep the sentence structure pretty much identical to how it would be if you were writing this as a chunk of prose. I'll let somebody else take over here...
Re: A Sleepless Night by EJHW	2-Jun-06/4:29 PM
Agreed with Imp, I'd also suggest you need a little more tactility in the last two stanzas and a few more rhythmic/grammatical alterations. 'Mist of sadness does remain' is a nice line, but personally I dislike use of 'do/does' as syllabic filler - it brings nothing grammatically and could be overcome easily ('mist of sadness still remains', or something similar). As far as first posts go, though, I've seen much worse. Welcome to poemranker - my tip is that if you want comments (which I assume you do) you're going to need to give a lot out. People seem to have been very quiet recently; you need to get their attention.