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A Sleepless Night (Other) by EJHW When silence fills the caverns of my mind,
and peace becomes a warm embrace,
the worldâs no more in pain confined.
It is indeed an open, airy, friendly place.
The wind outside explores its vast domain.
The trees whisper, the rhythms rise and fade.
But overall a mist of sadness does remain.
The worldâs in peace, not yet remade.
Will it ever be a place where mind is free,
where simple souls can be at rest?
Where the Lord can let us be,
where good enough needs not be best?
Perhaps there is a time, perhaps a place
somewhere still not discovered,
within the great eternal hall of space,
Where you and I can live again, beloved.
Up the ladder:
Servant Boy
Down the ladder:
Wake Up
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.6666665
Posted: June 2, 2006 2:48 PM PDT; Last modified: June 2, 2006 2:48 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.9602656 Overall Rank: 8613 Comments:
Agreed with Imp, I'd also suggest you need a little more tactility in the last two stanzas and a few more rhythmic/grammatical alterations. 'Mist of sadness does remain' is a nice line, but personally I dislike use of 'do/does' as syllabic filler - it brings nothing grammatically and could be overcome easily ('mist of sadness still remains', or something similar). As far as first posts go, though, I've seen much worse. Welcome to poemranker - my tip is that if you want comments (which I assume you do) you're going to need to give a lot out. People seem to have been very quiet recently; you need to get their attention.
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a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements:
S2L4 needs -> need.
S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm.
S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe.
S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n".
the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved"
nice; a bit of tweaking will help.