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A Sleepless Night (Other) by EJHW

When silence fills the caverns of my mind, and peace becomes a warm embrace, the world’s no more in pain confined. It is indeed an open, airy, friendly place. The wind outside explores its vast domain. The trees whisper, the rhythms rise and fade. But overall a mist of sadness does remain. The world’s in peace, not yet remade. Will it ever be a place where mind is free, where simple souls can be at rest? Where the Lord can let us be, where good enough needs not be best? Perhaps there is a time, perhaps a place somewhere still not discovered, within the great eternal hall of space, Where you and I can live again, beloved.

lmp 2-Jun-06/3:26 PM
nice sentiment. not sure the world is all at peace if the wind is rustling and you are sleepless... but it is a minor point.

a couple of (mostly rhythmic) refinements:
S2L4 needs -> need.
S4L2 "somewhere yet undiscovered". as written, the "still not" stumbled the rhythm.
S2L1 one too many syllables, mucks up the rhythm. lose "vast" maybe.
S2L4 reverse not & yet. somehow, my mouth wants to pronounce the "y" after "peace" moreso than the "n".


the strongest two stanzas are the last two. i do like the rhyme of "discovered" and "beloved"

nice; a bit of tweaking will help.




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