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Still Air Sticks (Free verse) by Sunny The rubber bands, the burnished coins
collected conservatively, a refrigerator
with nothing: the night falls on this.
To say her pules carried from the back porch
is unjust. She wailed.
She bellowed deep from her morrows.
We all made a pack and howled because
of what remained in that truck:
the splattered ruby that left me real
and raw, as raw as the demise of his face
complimenting stagnant air with flies.
We killed all other details
with pitchforks and foraged for what
was left in aftermath's footprints: burnished coins
in the bedroom, some rubberbands limp on the floor
and his white refrigerator, always hungry.
Up the ladder:
Epitaph of Innocence
Down the ladder:
tanka(4)
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 5.0
Posted: May 20, 2006 2:07 PM PDT; Last modified: May 20, 2006 2:07 PM PDTWeighted score: 5.0 Overall Rank: 7703 Comments:
Well, this doesn't deserve a 1, even if does have some problems. I've voted higher that it deserves just to average out Edna, who hasn't a clue.
I don't know how she bellowed from morrows, which are future days.
I see nothing grammatically wrong with this. Morrows are also merely 'mornings', with a little interpretation that line makes perfect sense to me, although it is admittedly a fairly archaic usage of the word.
What I love about your poetry (among other things) is that I just keep getting drawn back...whenever I think I've cracked something, I see something else which could lead to another route of interpretation. I don't often find that balance in poetry. Not only that, but I always find myself learning new vocabulary and advanced lexicon without the poem feeling at all stilted. I like having to do a bit of research when I'm reading poems, and you leave enough clues within the lines to point me in the right direction. As for this particular poem, well I have a few ideas brewing about it to which I will return tomorrow. For now I'll just say that if my inclination is right, and I figure this one out without too much assistance, this is probably your best so far. I wouldn't normally vote this early in a reading, but to nullify the trolling damage here's a 9. I'll be back to this one though, rest assured. 157 view(s)
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Dearest 'Sweetlove',
Enlighten elsewhere with your brilliance, not here.
~Sunny