Re: The Observatory by Roisin	11-May-06/1:44 PM
This is good, thoughtful and plenty of alliteration.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	11-May-06/1:49 PM
It works better with the edit, but 'irritation' still jars...
Re: My Prayer by dana071287	12-May-06/5:13 AM
Devotional poems are difficult to write. They're like love poems except that they won't get someone into bed with you. Therefore, if they're for public reading, they have to be superb. A good start would be making it not your prayer. If it's for public reading, the reader is going to want to be able to include theirself in the reading. Usually that means following the golden rule of poetry: 'Show, don't tell'. It also means following the second golden rule of poetry: 'Never rhyme "love/above/dove" in anything'. Seriously. You will not find a more overused rhyme in the English language, and readers want innovation, not more of the same. Using the 'love/above' rhyme twice in one poem is bordering on being a criminal offence. General points over, now to the poem itself. Well firstly it's fairly obvious that this is something you're pretty passionate about: that is a good start. However, the content doesn't live up to this. For one thing, you use 'I' 8 times, 'me' 5 times, and 'my' 5 times in 20 lines (that's assuming I counted right; not a certainty). That isn't conducive to letting the reader give it their own 'personal' reading. Cut down on pronoun usage in poetry as much as possible, otherwise not only does it limit the reader, but it also gets repetitive. I have to admit that I didn't work out the rhyme scheme at first (rhymes aren't my strong point) but on a second reading I saw the reversal and symmetry; that was good, although it would have been better with more variety in the middle - 'new' and 'renew' suggests you were struggling a little. Also, 'I want a heart that is new' doesn't really sound very poetic. To make it more interesting you could go along the lines of 'I seek a heart [do you really want a new heart though?] renewed' (I know you've already used 'renew', but I don't want to tell you which words to write). Umm...I can't really think of much at the moment so I'll leave it there rather than risk getting something spectacularly wrong and making an arse of myself. Welcome to poemranker, and I hope these suggestions are useful.
Re: Are life after death by freakything	12-May-06/5:20 AM
'Our life after death', unless you're attempting a pun there, which even if you are is pretty tortured grammatically. Be more inventive with your rhymes. If you look through any amount of poetry on the internet you will find every single rhyme in here used approximately a million times. Doing what's been done that much before is an instant turn-off for the reader. Check a rhyming dictionary if you're struggling for ideas. General tip for anyone posting 4 poems in one go: leave some comments on other peoples' works, or you'll find very few people commenting on yours.
Re: When God is Needed No More by ALChemy	12-May-06/5:34 AM
This is fantastic; a great way of bringing a message across, and the message itself is well thought-out. The only problem I found is the rhyme of 'hearth' and 'earth' - I don't know how you pronounce it, but for me 'hearth' sounds like 'harth'. Not enough to diminish my enthusiasm for the poem though.
Re: The Man with the Fiberglass Head by MacFrantic	12-May-06/11:49 AM
Ever heard that Kinks song, 'Plastic Man'? This put me in mind of it. Great poem.
Re: A Snap Shot by amanda_dcosta	12-May-06/11:59 AM
Nice - fewer uses of 'the' would have been nice, it makes it seem a little disjointed at the moment. Also...I'd love a bit more in the way of description of the porpoises; I'm on the verge of actually seeing this snapshot, but it's just agonisingly out of my grasp... Easily 8, probably 9 with an edit.
Re: Return to Marrakech by Caducus	13-May-06/5:06 AM
Looking decent on first view; the football's about to start though so I won't stay long. Will return later to read it more thoroughly and maybe pick up some inspiration. Lord knows I need it at the moment.
Re: The Queen Mum - A Tribute by Edna Sweetlove	14-May-06/10:01 AM
She may have been an evil old goat, but then again we're not noted for churning out good, benevolent and just royalty. Besides, Gordon's is part of the national heritage; for them to go out of business would be like losing the World Cup. Oh, wait...
regarding some deleted poem...	15-May-06/7:15 AM
Neat, 'very difficult' didn't quite feel right though. I'd have used 'is not easy', but then, that's my preference.
Re: Mannequin by Roisin	15-May-06/7:16 AM
I titled a poem 'Mannequin'. It wasn't as catchy as this though.
regarding some deleted poem...	15-May-06/7:37 AM
Great description, nifty bit of wordplay at the start of stanza 3 as well. 'Slurry' made me think you were going to bring in some more farmyard 'piggish' language here (playing off the name). Didn't get the Cofa and Pippin references, I assume they're your own personal touch.
Re: The Prodigal Daughter by Dovina	15-May-06/10:43 AM
Nice work. There's a typo in line 12, and I don't like the capitalisation of 'she' toward the end; it could just be the font, but generally speaking I'm not a fan of capitalisation for emphasis. It's usually unnecessary. The other thing is that I remember ecargo saying to me in one of my poems that the rhymes were somewhat distracting - I think the same applies here. On my reading it would have gone a little more smoothly without the rhymes. Others may disagree though. That's the nitpicks done, now for the credit. The story is very well told, concise but not vague - which isn't easy to achieve. It's very tactile as well; I can see the scenes pretty clearly. Question: the last line - 'would'. Being conditional, I'm a little confused as to this. It seems that there's something preventing her asking (almost like he's dead) but up till then there was nothing to suggest such an eventuality. Might it work better as 'will'?
Re: George and Samson by Edna Sweetlove	15-May-06/5:36 PM
Having just borne witness to your incredible roundup of the limericks on here, the least I can do is leave a comment on one of your poems. And here it is: This poem is a golden opportunity to rhyme 'Samson' with 'ram some'. I'll leave you to decide what was rammed, and where.
Re: Plastic Posies by BleedingRose	16-May-06/4:44 AM
This is damn funny, there are a few rhythmic inconsistencies but if they were ironed out this would be excellent. And for the first time in years I don't mind the rhyme of heart/part, for that you get bonus points.
Re: Peeping Through The Window by Edna Sweetlove	16-May-06/5:28 AM
Lear was like a god to me when I was younger, so limericks always seem to lack something without illustrations. But please don't submit a picture with this one. Pussy/juicy? I'd rather have seen front/blunt.
Re: Pot Haikus (Ode to Stoners) by Shardik	16-May-06/5:33 AM
One of the funniest things I've read all week!
Re: 72 virgins (but the bitches ain't fun) by ALChemy	17-May-06/9:42 AM
Oh man, you tempt me away from the reams of paperwork... This made me laugh so hard, the best early birthday present I've ever had! Actually, I haven't found a song this funny since Al Yankovic parodied "Lola" (the master of parodies working from Ray Davies, the master of satire; a winning combination if ever there was one). While you folks are around there's no way I'm going to be able to keep away for long. 'Rabbi critics, they say he's justa "Sunni Cash Ho". He formed a Jihad, stupid, got whacked by some Joes'. That will remain with me forever :-D
Re: Belle Melange/The Curse of Millhaven by lmp	1-Jun-06/4:47 AM
Wow, you guys really know how to lord it up while I'm away. 4 comments in the top 20? Anyway This is super-cool, particularly in the way you keep in touch with the lyricism of the quatrain (rather than going all-out poetic) and the whole piece feels very bluesy. The rhyming is nice and strong, I don't like flow/yellow (enunciation differences in the stresses) but 'yellow' is a bastard to rhyme at the best of times. Super rhythm, and I might add that it reminded me strongly of Harry Chapin's 'Sniper'.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-Jun-06/4:55 AM
Agreed with ALChemy, I also think you don't need to be so direct with 'snakes' - the picture's already there and you could perhaps have got more effect by using a little onomatopoeia (hissing of a fuse, of sands, something like that). Make me work a little more for the reward of capturing the whole scene. Similarly with 'she thinks of her own son', could go a little too full-on with that. It's tricky, getting the show/tell aspect right, but well worth it. Super description though (as to be expected from your poetry!) and you capture the force of the initial quote superbly well.