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Invasion (Free verse) by Roisin
A lead marble blocks my gullet, My floundering heart makes me sick. My mouth, no longer my own, corners hang on hooks; I'm exhausted by the irritation. I'm sorry I speak in contradictions and push you away for not sitting close, fester and throw accusations and try to call an end to something which exists independently. Objectively I watch this incongruent imposter, cringing at the fool, trying to remain faithful to a forgotten friend.

Up the ladder: The Fall of Marvin Hyde

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Arithmetic Mean: 4.0
Weighted score: 4.9525743
Overall Rank: 8800
Posted: April 29, 2006 4:26 AM PDT; Last modified: May 11, 2006 8:05 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 29-Apr-06/4:39 AM | Reply
Okay, crits first: 'heart flutters' is somewhat overused and could do with being more inventive. 'Exhausted by the irritation' doesn't sound right...it seems to trivialise the subject, in which case it's unlikely that it would exhaust you. 'Incongruent imposter' is bordering on being an act of poetry, of which I've been accused on occasion too. Also, the start of the last stanza is a bit detached from the end of stanza two. 'An enemy' just appears and doesn't make me instantly go 'oh right, gotcha'.
However, lines 3 and 4 are good, so are the first two lines of stanza 2 and the final line. 'Something which exists independently of my control' is maybe too philosophical although it works quite well.
Hope these suggestions were useful.
[n/a] Roisin @ 194.70.52.62 > Ranger | 11-May-06/6:27 AM | Reply
Thanks for your advice. I am glad you understood the 'contradiction' part, I hadn't thought it was that hard to see! I shall take your comments into consideration when I redraft. Cheers!
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Roisin | 11-May-06/7:02 AM | Reply
It's so often the case that the 'easy' passages are the most difficult to interpret. I know I've found it to work that way recently.
I look forward to the revision of this!
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 11-May-06/7:03 AM | Reply
P.S. - about the philosophy degree: snap!
[n/a] Roisin @ 194.70.52.62 > Ranger | 11-May-06/7:54 AM | Reply
Ahh, another philosopher! Excellent! I shall read your work with interest.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Roisin | 11-May-06/1:46 PM | Reply
And maybe a vote and comment too? :-p
[8] Dovina @ 12.72.34.35 | 29-Apr-06/11:10 AM | Reply
A good start with L1. "push you away for not sitting close"? - seems inconsistent. Are you sure it is irritation that exhausts you in L5? I like the idea of objectively watching the imposter. I've written about this too. But I think you can do better at describing this objective/highly personasl phenomenon.
[8] Niphredil @ 85.130.147.248 | 1-May-06/3:04 PM | Reply
On the contrary, I thought 'push you away for not sitting close' was extremely clear. He's speaking in contradictions. It don't get much more contradictory than that.

I didn't care for 'an enemy has permeated my mind', since in this line you're stating specifically what you succeeded in hinting at - quite well, in my opinion - throughout the entire poem. That aside, I thought it was a well-built and powerful poem; and I understood and identified with it, which is one of the trademarks of a good piece of work.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 11-May-06/1:49 PM | Reply
It works better with the edit, but 'irritation' still jars...
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