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Invasion (Free verse) by Roisin

A lead marble blocks my gullet, My floundering heart makes me sick. My mouth, no longer my own, corners hang on hooks; I'm exhausted by the irritation. I'm sorry I speak in contradictions and push you away for not sitting close, fester and throw accusations and try to call an end to something which exists independently. Objectively I watch this incongruent imposter, cringing at the fool, trying to remain faithful to a forgotten friend.

Ranger 29-Apr-06/4:39 AM
Okay, crits first: 'heart flutters' is somewhat overused and could do with being more inventive. 'Exhausted by the irritation' doesn't sound right...it seems to trivialise the subject, in which case it's unlikely that it would exhaust you. 'Incongruent imposter' is bordering on being an act of poetry, of which I've been accused on occasion too. Also, the start of the last stanza is a bit detached from the end of stanza two. 'An enemy' just appears and doesn't make me instantly go 'oh right, gotcha'.
However, lines 3 and 4 are good, so are the first two lines of stanza 2 and the final line. 'Something which exists independently of my control' is maybe too philosophical although it works quite well.
Hope these suggestions were useful.




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