Free verse № 143177
The Prodigal Daughter
She asked her Daddy for a hug and a kiss
For she was off with a man in a van
Educated, working, enriched with skill
She knew her lifeâs pattern; her ethics were set
He wept as he held her and gave her a kiss
Said only heâd rather she not go like this
With a man in a van to search for a home
To look for the best little farm in the land
So she left with a plan, lots of hope and a man
Sat beside him gazing at houses and land
For six months they traveled, checked prices and work
Then settled in the hills of mid Tennessee
She invited her father to see how sheâd done
He came to the cornrows, tobacco, and cows
And walked in the forest that heated her home
He sat by her fire and said it was good
Seven years later she came groveling home
The farm a success, the house theyâd built cozy
But her man found another and left her alone
Now she came groping, her plan gone amok
Her father forgave her, took her back in
Now SHE cried when he hugged her and kissed
Still young and healthy, in search of a plan
Now she will ask him about each new man
27 comments
That's the nitpicks done, now for the credit. The story is very well told, concise but not vague - which isn't easy to achieve. It's very tactile as well; I can see the scenes pretty clearly.
Question: the last line - 'would'. Being conditional, I'm a little confused as to this. It seems that there's something preventing her asking (almost like he's dead) but up till then there was nothing to suggest such an eventuality. Might it work better as 'will'?
I got your message by the way - am busy writing on there at the moment, but I will reply asap.
Nitpick: Why does her father need to forgive her in the stanza before last? He already did in the second stanza. He even came visiting.
But I canât be too harsh, having just received a flattering 10. For that I thank you and return a little Seuss: âJust say what you want. You want pickles on trees? Want to swing through the air on a flying trapeze? Just say what you want, and whatever you say, youâll get on Octember the First.â
I meant what I said and I said what I meant.
I lost internet... 100 percent.
Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it.
C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
I found this to be a very clean piece, although I am one of 'those' who doesn't really care for caps w/ each new line, but I can still look past this of course. I like circles. I like circular stories...so is life, isn't it?!
My own personal notes:
-L2S1: I think starting out the line with "For" is unnecessary & reads awkwardly
-The play again & again of humility such as bringing up the van they were in repeatedly & such word usage as "...the best little farm..." is very nicely played on
-This is a "growth poem" per say - I liked that
-Didn't like how the "forest HEATED her home"...just didn't click w/ me
-Don't feel SHE needs to be screamed out in all caps. I don't feel that way in any instance in poetry however, just me.
-Good ending. Sharp & unpredictable, reading line by line
~Sunny
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