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The Prodigal Daughter (Free verse) by Dovina She asked her Daddy for a hug and a kiss
For she was off with a man in a van
Educated, working, enriched with skill
She knew her lifeâs pattern; her ethics were set
He wept as he held her and gave her a kiss
Said only heâd rather she not go like this
With a man in a van to search for a home
To look for the best little farm in the land
So she left with a plan, lots of hope and a man
Sat beside him gazing at houses and land
For six months they traveled, checked prices and work
Then settled in the hills of mid Tennessee
She invited her father to see how sheâd done
He came to the cornrows, tobacco, and cows
And walked in the forest that heated her home
He sat by her fire and said it was good
Seven years later she came groveling home
The farm a success, the house theyâd built cozy
But her man found another and left her alone
Now she came groping, her plan gone amok
Her father forgave her, took her back in
Now SHE cried when he hugged her and kissed
Still young and healthy, in search of a plan
Now she will ask him about each new man
Up the ladder:
To Brittany
Down the ladder:
#14
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 6.181818
Posted: May 15, 2006 10:18 AM PDT; Last modified: May 15, 2006 11:18 AM PDTWeighted score: 5.590909 Overall Rank: 2330 Comments:
You could do with some punctuation.
Edna, I think you aught to give a bit of consideration to the content of the poem, and the depth of emotion related to it, rather than only to nit-picking punctuations.
Admit it, you're just mad 'cause she only let her father get to first base.
Welcome back. But only when you're on my side.
Very heartfelt and beautiful. I'd like it too if there was enough punctuation. And the partial rhyme scheme is distracting. Nevertheless, I think you deserve nothing less than an 8.
Regarding punctuation: In many of my poems, I do not put commas and periods at the ends of lines, where, grammatically speaking, they should be. I want the reader to pause at the end of each line. I think it makes the poem look better on paper.
Sorry, personally I didn't care for this. It sounds a tad preachy and not original enough by far. I also found the "maybe-yes, maybe-no" rhyming distracting.
Nitpick: Why does her father need to forgive her in the stanza before last? He already did in the second stanza. He even came visiting.
There's a slight Dr. Suess quality in your rhythm that intentional or not is freekin' ingenious.
The Dr. is an enduring legend, anyone who can emulate him deserves fair recognition.
No one can emulate him in my mind. No one else would spend months limited to using only a 3rd grade vocabulary to write such perfectly unforgetable poetry.
We are both lovers of Seuss, and lovers of vacation, apparently. You must just have returned from some horrible dive into depravity, otherwise you would have explained your absence. Such explanations are expected of any reputable ranker. I, striving for some degree of honor, hereby advise everyone that on 5/25 I will depart this prestigious site in favor of two months of bicycling in Canada, and will check in here only occasionally.
But I canât be too harsh, having just received a flattering 10. For that I thank you and return a little Seuss: âJust say what you want. You want pickles on trees? Want to swing through the air on a flying trapeze? Just say what you want, and whatever you say, youâll get on Octember the First.â
I already told you I was out of internet.
I meant what I said and I said what I meant. I lost internet... 100 percent.
Frankly, I only saw that I was acting like Seuss after Alchemy mentioned it. I found a stack of his books at a garage sale, a fairly complete set, and canât seem to get past the third grade mentality of liking them.
You'd think that opening you left for yourself would have brought Zodiac out of hiding almost instantly.
If he agrees that I have a third grade mentality, it would probably be the greatest compliment he has given me.
'She knew her lifeâs pattern; her ethics were set'. Don't like this. It is just stating the plot. Show don't tell.
Groveling? Groveling? You mean, to rhyme with "revealing" and "ceiling" ?
Sorry this one made me dizzy and like my boss needs a makeover.
Your problem here i think is the story overbears th epoetry within it. C'mon Dovina love gimmee a Dovina special.
Keep the men in your life dizzy, but never give âem anything special. Thatâs what my grandmother used to say.
like a germ laden hanky deposited NEXT to a bin.
Thank you for pointing out that I deposited this lovely crochet-edged hankie next to the bin where it can be seen by passers-by, not only for its crafted beauty, but also for its earthy richness. To have said that I put it IN the bin could only have meant that I was ashamed of it, and that was certainly not your intent. Oh, I am so flattered that you understood this delicate rendering and thought enough of it to apply this fine metaphor.
I found this to be a very clean piece, although I am one of 'those' who doesn't really care for caps w/ each new line, but I can still look past this of course. I like circles. I like circular stories...so is life, isn't it?! My own personal notes: -L2S1: I think starting out the line with "For" is unnecessary & reads awkwardly -The play again & again of humility such as bringing up the van they were in repeatedly & such word usage as "...the best little farm..." is very nicely played on -This is a "growth poem" per say - I liked that -Didn't like how the "forest HEATED her home"...just didn't click w/ me -Don't feel SHE needs to be screamed out in all caps. I don't feel that way in any instance in poetry however, just me. -Good ending. Sharp & unpredictable, reading line by line ~Sunny
Dovina, This was an unexpected journey down memory lane. Very sweet and nostalgic. It touched me enough to give my Dad a call! Good work.
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That's the nitpicks done, now for the credit. The story is very well told, concise but not vague - which isn't easy to achieve. It's very tactile as well; I can see the scenes pretty clearly.
Question: the last line - 'would'. Being conditional, I'm a little confused as to this. It seems that there's something preventing her asking (almost like he's dead) but up till then there was nothing to suggest such an eventuality. Might it work better as 'will'?
I got your message by the way - am busy writing on there at the moment, but I will reply asap.