Re: Cookies Won't Cut It by Sunny	5-May-06/10:54 AM
The penultimate stanza was incredibly evocative, reminded me indirectly of something I read recently. Will return to this later with a more meaningful comment, for now have a token 8.
Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	5-May-06/10:55 AM
Hmm, not sure yet whether I like this or not. The setup is fairly simple but I guess it fitting for the mood of the piece. I'll have to reread it later before I vote.
Re: Before Dinner by D. $ Fontera	5-May-06/10:58 AM
I doubt dinner was on the menu.
Re: Wombs and wounds by Caducus	6-May-06/2:37 AM
I'm not sure that you'd find Merlot beneath trees that often. Cigarettes, possibly and certainly soil, but Merlot? Unless you mean for it to represent blood...but it's quite unclear there. Stanza two - 'worshipped by a goddess' bit makes it sound like you worshipped her too; at least, that's how I read it. Stanzas 3 and 4 - no problems. Final stanza...I'm not convinced by the list of adjectives, particularly as you describe yourself as complex but then list some fairly simple emotions (very compatible ones at that, for a complex character I'd have expected some contradictions there).
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	6-May-06/2:57 AM
The beauty of this piece is that it keeps bringing me back to reread and look for more meanings. 'Align in mustard/for forecasted showers' caught my eye this time round. It has a fantastic ambiguity to it, conjuing both the image of mustard plants awaiting rain for sustenance, but also of the monks sheltering beneath leaf-like canopies to escape the storm. So (as I think I said before), the showers are prophecies, but whether they are favourable or not is down to the reader to decide (I like that sort of ambiguity, by the way!) I didn't mention earlier that I thought your contrast of nature and structure was very good - you have the elements, the river, the tree; all life-bringers. Then you have the concrete threatening to smother them. And, of course, you have the temple in the backgroud which is a harmony of both nature and human construction. I'm still not sure about 'scourge' in here - I think it works grammatically, but it feels wrong, somehow. 'Scour' would sit more easily in my opinion, although it's somewhat strong for the gentle nature of monks (it could reflect the 'struggle' theme though, I guess) so maybe 'wash' would be more appropriately - and fit with 'rain'. Similarly, 'purge' just isn't working for me yet. I think I can see what you're getting at by using it but this is a case of you needing to decide whether thematic word choice is more important than the 'feel' of the individual sentences. To be fair, I think I've run into similar obstacles in my most recent submission, I'd be interested to see what you think to it.
regarding some deleted poem...	6-May-06/2:58 AM
Agreed with Dovina here.
Re: THE HOLY NATURE by Daman	7-May-06/4:59 PM
Welcome to poemranker! I've got to agree with Niphredil here. To find if the grammar is strained (and it is here, I'm afraid) write the piece out as prose. If it doesn't make sense, write it so it does, and then, if you still want to keep the rhymes, enjamb the lines where necessary. If you want to read a master of subtle rhymes on here, try out some of zodiac's stuff. I'm harping on about his poetry quite a lot at the moment but it really is worth reading and learning from. As Niph says, edit and repost...but if you want comments then I'd advise that you give out plenty yourself first. Generally speaking, commenting on other peoples' works is the best way of bringing yourself to their attention. And, of course, poemranker needs more participation at the moment.
Re: Awasa, Ethiopia by Beatriz Romero by Sunny	8-May-06/1:10 PM
Well now. This definitely needs the reader to see the picture first, I'd say. I'll give it a 'first impressions' post this evening and return to it tomorrow in order to pick up what I miss tonight. First things first - great description. A couple of grammatical nitpicks: line 14 'its' and line 17 'its' again. Unless you're playing some grammatical tricks there that I haven't yet picked up, I think they need correcting. Also: 'haled' jarred somewhat. I think you're using it in the archaic sense for the climbing (I don't believe it's current meaning would work grammatically there, but again, I'll return to look more closely tomorrow) which goes against the otherwise very contemporary feel to the piece. Right, meanings. I don't know the translation of 'Awasa', but it immediately made me think of a Steve Tilston song, 'Awasazi (Waterhole)' so my immediate assumption was that it was about either a waterhole, or about rain - particularly given the context of the picture. At least, directly about water in some sense. Underlying meanings? Well there are plenty which I think could be applied in some form to this, although curently most are fragmentary. It seems like a 'life' poem, foetus-birth-first couple of days of life-childhood. That's what I'm inclined at the moment to say this poem's about (it fits with every stanza). Having said that, though, the picture is very ghostly and ethereal. This poem could equally be about death though, maybe starting the afterlife, particularly the ending of the poem. Interestingly enough, I also read the first part of it as describing a raindrop falling to earth, either hitting a tree or being consumed by the tree, then being evaporated to continue the cycle. Well, they're the first thoughts. With any luck you'll get a more complete commentary from me tomorrow :-D Oh, before I forget - 'clock runs dry' = excellent image of an eggtimer with the sand, very fitting for the piece.
regarding some deleted poem...	8-May-06/1:23 PM
Hmm, it's kind of a depressive anti-Psalm. You might want to consider putting a comma before 'friends', 'family' and 'God'. At the moment it sounds a bit like a Pam Ayers dialectal poem. 'Good effort' doesn't feel right...it's a little simple for the feel of the rest. 'Noble ...' maybe? Also, 'no use or interest' - I'd be inclined to have either 'use' or 'interest', but not both. 'Use' sounds more conclusive, although 'interest' fits with 'afford' (a bit of financial imagery there). Umm, what else was there? Oh yes, at the end of stanza one you appeared to say that what you needed was God...but then at the end you imply that not even God can save you. That threw me somewhat. 7 for this version, if you edit it I'll be sure to take another look.
regarding some deleted poem...	8-May-06/1:25 PM
Catchy. I'm not sure why you need the brackets though, they're distracting. Maybe I'm missing something.
Re: FM.PM by oneglove	8-May-06/1:31 PM
I'm not sure where you're going with the rhyme scheme in this. That is to say, there are lots of '-ight' rhymes at irregular intervals but seemingly nothing else to carry the rhythm. You start with a solid rhyme structure in the first verse but then ditch it straight afterwards. That being said, of course, on the basis that I don't know what this sounds like when put to music. I know this isn't your fault, but 'You're beautiful, you're beautiful' makes me think of that awful James Blunt song. What possessed him to release it is beyond me, honestly.
Re: A Gallery of Errors by MacFrantic	8-May-06/1:36 PM
Well once again you have left me in bewilderment, but also baffled ecstasy. I happen to love nonsense (or apparently nonsensical) poems, particularly when the language is as cool as in here. Lear was one of my childhood idols.
regarding some deleted poem...	10-May-06/1:35 PM
Niphredil's got it spot on, I think. I'd also suggest commenting on some of the recent poems to get more people reading your stuff.
Re: Fake, Emo and Over Shaven by Blindpoetry	10-May-06/1:36 PM
Entertaining, not much more to be said about this one.
Re: Sun (Pantoum) by Sunny	10-May-06/1:53 PM
Well, it doesn't quite match with the 'ranker definition of what a Pantoum should be like - I can't find a rhyme scheme in here (although to be fair I'm notoriously bad at spotting rhymes) and the second line in the final quatrain should (according to the definition) repeat the third line of the first quatrain. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if there are alternative pantoum forms. As far as description goes - super! I found it very innovative and the 'dirty' attitudes seem to suggest that for the most part you're writing about the sun when it's obscured by clouds - and therefore not 'pure', if you will. I should also say here that the language used drew up an image of an alcoholic, or someone equally fallen from grace. Obviously there's 'dirty girl', 'groan', 'bottled light', 'bloody face', 'brood' etc. and a bit of wordplay with reviver conjuring up 'reviler'. I could go on, but I think that reading is way off track. Another good one from you, keep them coming!
Re: You can go no further. by Dovina	10-May-06/1:58 PM
Great! This is probably one of your best (although I can't claim to have read even half of the poems you've posted on here...most done while I was away and there's a lot for me to catch up on...) and I can't really think of anything intelligent to suggest. My brain's been fried by essays. Although, having spent some time dealing with Xeno's paradoxes I had this strange longing for some arrow imagery in here; it would fit with the angle and also with the idea of distance.
Re: Drowning by Enkidu	10-May-06/2:01 PM
Well rhymed, the only problem I had with this was 'amorphous' - I'd never imagine such words to spring to mind while drowning. Of course, if you're really drowning I doubt you'd be speaking at all, let alone in poetic verse.
regarding some deleted poem...	11-May-06/6:42 AM
Nice images. 'Laid'...should it be 'lay'? Not sure about 'impaled', particularly on a piercing gaze...like shooting an arrow with another arrow, if you see what I mean. It doesn't feel right. Last stanza; I would leave out the final line, or change 'hourglass'. Up till then it has a nice ambiguity - either she's left for someone else, or she's died in her sleep ('she left her hourglass [figure; maybe even talking about her ghost] in the duvet...lay as midnight with him' [referring back to God]). The second 'hourglass' confused things a little, for me. That being said, the images are vivid and the ends of stanzas 1 and 2 link well. Oh, and line 3 made me think of one of mine ;-)
Re: Last Night by Roisin	11-May-06/1:31 PM
The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?
regarding some deleted poem...	11-May-06/1:41 PM
Can't put it any better than Niphredil has.