Sun (Pantoum)

Member since 2006 · Posted 10 May 2006 · 3 comments

Dirty girl. You groan your way to the top of the ladder then ascend down with your ferocious fever and burnt belly. You groan your way to the top. You have ruby lips - a splintered body from bottled light, with your ferocious fever and burnt belly. The purest cast cracks at the bottom where deep orange forms. You have ruby lips - a splintered body from bottled light, We see you, and we see through the red lips, bloody face well romanced. We have found your purest cast cracks at the bottom where deep orange forms. Bend the people to your current doldrums...because you never shout and brood like today. We see you, and we see through the red lips, bloody face well romanced. Yellow reviver, we miss the lemon in you, the mustard seed shine, sunflower overcasts... Don't bend the people to your current doldrums...because you never shout and brood like today. Dirty girl.

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3 comments

[8] Ranger 10-May-06/1:53 PM Reply

Well, it doesn't quite match with the 'ranker definition of what a Pantoum should be like - I can't find a rhyme scheme in here (although to be fair I'm notoriously bad at spotting rhymes) and the second line in the final quatrain should (according to the definition) repeat the third line of the first quatrain. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if there are alternative pantoum forms.
As far as description goes - super! I found it very innovative and the 'dirty' attitudes seem to suggest that for the most part you're writing about the sun when it's obscured by clouds - and therefore not 'pure', if you will.
I should also say here that the language used drew up an image of an alcoholic, or someone equally fallen from grace. Obviously there's 'dirty girl', 'groan', 'bottled light', 'bloody face', 'brood' etc. and a bit of wordplay with reviver conjuring up 'reviler'. I could go on, but I think that reading is way off track.

Another good one from you, keep them coming!

[n/a] Sunny › Ranger 10-May-06/9:17 PM Reply

Well thank you Ranger, your opinions/ critiques are always warmly welcomed by me. I was wondering what you would think of this one...a bit, well, risky when it came to the play on words. To be completely honest w/ you, I didn't know what I was trying to underlying say, but that's why I have you!! Alcohlic is actually right on & something w/ a personal connotation to myself, but not me personally. See, my uncle committed suicide several years ago, & he was a severe alcoholic (he knew he was dying you see), & he would start the drinking evernight whenever the early evening would settle it's way in, if you will.
Awww. The sun, bring about the evening when it rolls, brings about the dirt, or how he saw himself anyway...if he only knew.
Thanks for "listening" in a sense, but YOU sparked what it was that I just couldn't quite put my finger on in this one; I just knew how I needed this one to be portrayed. I have a lot I feel I need to tell, blaming nature w/ personifications really because I respect it's beauty so much, I feel that it can defy the darkest of enemies, even if they are ourselves. Thanks for the little awakening going on here Ranger :) You've brought about a lot more depth for me to work with.

~Christin

Note: I only read 1 definition for a Pantoum. There was nothing in there about lines for the last vs. being altered at all or any sort of rhyme scheme in the "examples". I'm sure there are different branches from the original. I'll have to research fully through. Thanks for the helpful info!!

[8] Ranger › Sunny 11-May-06/6:58 AM Reply

Any time! Being able to give relevant crits to other peoples' works is important to me - I've been learning by seeing what comments ALChemy gives to poems here; he is particularly good at spotting meanings in poetry. Same applies to ecargo. It's funny how poemranker is just as good at improving reading of poetry as it is at improving writing.
Personally I love puns and other wordplay - it's often the case that puns get included unintentionally, but are vital to the reading of a text. I wish that more people would comment on your poems though...it'd be interesting to compare readings of them.

Always glad to be of some use :-D