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Sun (Pantoum) (Other) by Sunny

Dirty girl. You groan your way to the top of the ladder then ascend down with your ferocious fever and burnt belly. You groan your way to the top. You have ruby lips - a splintered body from bottled light, with your ferocious fever and burnt belly. The purest cast cracks at the bottom where deep orange forms. You have ruby lips - a splintered body from bottled light, We see you, and we see through the red lips, bloody face well romanced. We have found your purest cast cracks at the bottom where deep orange forms. Bend the people to your current doldrums...because you never shout and brood like today. We see you, and we see through the red lips, bloody face well romanced. Yellow reviver, we miss the lemon in you, the mustard seed shine, sunflower overcasts... Don't bend the people to your current doldrums...because you never shout and brood like today. Dirty girl.

Ranger 10-May-06/1:53 PM
Well, it doesn't quite match with the 'ranker definition of what a Pantoum should be like - I can't find a rhyme scheme in here (although to be fair I'm notoriously bad at spotting rhymes) and the second line in the final quatrain should (according to the definition) repeat the third line of the first quatrain. I wouldn't be surprised, however, if there are alternative pantoum forms.
As far as description goes - super! I found it very innovative and the 'dirty' attitudes seem to suggest that for the most part you're writing about the sun when it's obscured by clouds - and therefore not 'pure', if you will.
I should also say here that the language used drew up an image of an alcoholic, or someone equally fallen from grace. Obviously there's 'dirty girl', 'groan', 'bottled light', 'bloody face', 'brood' etc. and a bit of wordplay with reviver conjuring up 'reviler'. I could go on, but I think that reading is way off track.

Another good one from you, keep them coming!




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