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THE HOLY NATURE (Free verse) by Daman
Sitting in the nature's lap one day, I thought how perfect is nature come whatever may. Sitting in the woods always gives us delight, It will always impart happiness the nature did plight. Lying on the grass in tree's shade, I admired how innocently the birds played. The calmness the quietness that solitaire state, The essence of happiness the feeling of joy I wondered how could nature in me create. From the gushing of the wind the swirling of the leaves music evoked, All my worries all my tensions in got soaked. In myself I felt a burning desire, To do nothing else but to listen to this holy choir. Listening to the nightingales melodious song, The nature made me believe that here did I belong. Amazed by the nature's magnificence, I could feel the holy god's presence. My heart was filled with grieve, Reluctant I was but I had to leave. After my work in my periods of leisure, I still admire the priceless treasure.

Up the ladder: UntitledPartTwo
Down the ladder: Love

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Arithmetic Mean: 1.5
Weighted score: 4.8340096
Overall Rank: 10748
Posted: May 7, 2006 6:35 AM PDT; Last modified: May 7, 2006 6:35 AM PDT
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Comments:
[n/a] Niphredil @ 132.69.238.35 | 7-May-06/2:17 PM | Reply
All the spelling is excellent. You'd pass a spelling checker. You should, however, fix your grammar and use of words. I'm assuming that you're not a native English speaker and therefore will point out the main lines that should be fixed:
Line 1: Nature's lap - not 'the nature'.
Line 4: "The nature did plight" - meaningless.
Line 7: Solitaire is a card game. You mean solitary.
Line 8: "Nightingale's"
Line 17: "grief", not "grieve".

Most of your lines are written Yoda-style, for instance:
"the feeling of joy I wondered how could nature in me create."
"all my tensions in got soaked"
and others. I understand that you were trying to rhyme, but rhyming should never come at the expense of clarity and correctness. Edit and post again, if you want comments.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 7-May-06/4:59 PM | Reply
Welcome to poemranker!

I've got to agree with Niphredil here. To find if the grammar is strained (and it is here, I'm afraid) write the piece out as prose. If it doesn't make sense, write it so it does, and then, if you still want to keep the rhymes, enjamb the lines where necessary. If you want to read a master of subtle rhymes on here, try out some of zodiac's stuff. I'm harping on about his poetry quite a lot at the moment but it really is worth reading and learning from.

As Niph says, edit and repost...but if you want comments then I'd advise that you give out plenty yourself first. Generally speaking, commenting on other peoples' works is the best way of bringing yourself to their attention. And, of course, poemranker needs more participation at the moment.
[n/a] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Ranger | 7-May-06/5:00 PM | Reply
Oh, R.E. 'plight' - I think you might mean 'pledge'.
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