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Last Night (Free verse) by Roisin
Last night, blade in hand she sat, pent up anger rising through crimson slits, frantically shaking away drips of despair. All the pain only relative, an evaporation from the mind condenses on her body. Today she soaks smeared stains in cold water, wipes up any sticky puddles she can find, wears a jumper in summer and makes time to tune in to the saccharine soap she watches every day. There is a patch of dried blood on the bathroom door handle where a hand pulled at it to be free. I do not wipe it away. I want her to catch sight. To see herself in it’s reflection, And me; the absorbent dam in her pain's reservoir.

Up the ladder: Poem #9
Down the ladder: Relive the Fifth

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Arithmetic Mean: 3.5
Weighted score: 4.928861
Overall Rank: 9198
Posted: May 27, 2005 3:27 AM PDT; Last modified: May 11, 2006 7:51 AM PDT
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Comments:
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 27-May-05/6:27 AM | Reply
Just one remark: 'closed'. A cycle cannot be closed or opened. Unless you mean that breaking out of her cycle causes the hurt. But I don't think so.
[7] deleted user @ 81.69.23.196 | 27-May-05/7:43 AM | Reply
<< All the pain only relative,
An evaporation from the mind condenses on her body.
...
To her closed cycle of hurt >>

That 6th line is a true gem. But I feel there is a contradiction between the 5th and the last line. Care to explain, Roisin?

[n/a] Roisin @ 80.3.64.12 > deleted user | 29-May-05/6:22 AM | Reply
Ooooh, you are a pernickety little thing aren't you? Think about it...the cycle is closed, like the water cycle. An evaporation thus condenses on her body though it could equally stay in the same state but it has obviously been affected by further factors which force it into this transitional state. The cycle is closed but there is obviously a fault to the cycle in that is is dammed...it is not able to fuction properly without a plug. I have tried to answer your criticism though i do not believe you had a point to answer in the first place.
[7] INTRANSIT @ 205.188.116.204 > Roisin | 29-May-05/6:33 AM | Reply
This is what confuses me: When you mix blood with -cycle you get visions of a menstruation, but you start with blade. Self induced abortion? I also read -wears a jumper in summer (red)instead of (and). I don't know why.
[n/a] Roisin @ 80.3.64.12 > INTRANSIT | 29-May-05/7:10 AM | Reply
That type of cycle is far too obvious. This poem is not about that kind of cycle but an emotional cycle and how it manifests itself.
[n/a] zodiac @ 213.186.170.67 > INTRANSIT | 30-May-05/5:00 AM | Reply
Is the pulmonary system a cycle? Is a circuit? If he said 'circuit' instead, would it work better?

Nobody's pointing out the real problems with this poem, so here goes: 1) it uses 'it's' for 'its'; 2) it's about suicide.

Discuss.
[7] INTRANSIT @ 152.163.100.138 > zodiac | 31-May-05/7:03 AM | Reply
Most suicide writers say "I'm gonna kill myself". So, this being written in 2nd person, I think makes it better than the normal suicide schlock we're accustomed to. Maybe stanza two can be expounded on to help bring more of the subjects person into the picture. Most of the poem is blood being cleaned up. I'd like to see more hurt/cause. I think circuit could be used.
[n/a] Bankrupt_Word_Clerk @ 71.130.168.146 > zodiac | 23-Jun-05/12:25 PM | Reply
I thought it was more about cutting (and staying alive) then about suicide. which is why the word 'cycle' is used. But heck, I dunno any cutters that wear jumpsuits.
[n/a] Roisin @ 80.3.64.12 > Bankrupt_Word_Clerk | 24-Jun-05/7:27 AM | Reply
A jumper is the english word for sweater (we sweat less perhaps due to our climate or lower levels of obesity)
[9] Dovina @ 69.175.32.185 > Roisin | 24-Jun-05/9:22 AM | Reply
A jumper is a dress, designed to "jump" over a blouse.
[n/a] Roisin @ 80.3.64.12 > Dovina | 24-Jun-05/7:11 PM | Reply
In England a 'jumper' is defined as "A sweater or pullover".
[9] Dovina @ 12.72.11.31 | 27-May-05/5:02 PM | Reply
This is really good. I'm with you all the way. The start of verse 3 is weak.
[6] Shuushin @ 147.154.235.53 | 22-Jun-05/11:21 AM | Reply
The images/symbols are fairly clever, but they are delivered without style.

These are not pleasant to read.

Can they be fixed? Start with killing nearly all of your prepositions and look up "split infinitive" and, in general, stop telling me [blandly] what I would rather be shown [freshly].

Apply these words to any 5 random poems of yours here.

Please, don't take my comments the wrong way - just bridge this gap between having something good to say and saying it well.

Sadly, if one has the latter they can fake the former - but seldom the other way around.
[7] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 11-May-06/1:31 PM | Reply
The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?
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