Replying to a comment on:

Last Night (Free verse) by Roisin

Last night, blade in hand she sat, pent up anger rising through crimson slits, frantically shaking away drips of despair. All the pain only relative, an evaporation from the mind condenses on her body. Today she soaks smeared stains in cold water, wipes up any sticky puddles she can find, wears a jumper in summer and makes time to tune in to the saccharine soap she watches every day. There is a patch of dried blood on the bathroom door handle where a hand pulled at it to be free. I do not wipe it away. I want her to catch sight. To see herself in it’s reflection, And me; the absorbent dam in her pain's reservoir.

Ranger 11-May-06/1:31 PM
The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?

Track and Plan your submissions ; Read some Comics ; Get Paid for your Poetry
PoemRanker Copyright © 2001 - 2020 - kaolin fire - All Rights Reserved
All poems Copyright © their respective authors
An internet tradition since June 9, 2001