| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
â16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmarâ â by Pier Poretti (Free verse) by Sunny Revision #3: I would greatly appreciate any of your minute or longger
commentary you might care to give on this piece...it's coming from a
brilliant photophraph, found on the below listed link, & I want to
really represent this "beyong-me" brilliant anrtist the utltimate that I
can because this pictue is just so increbibly striking. I did go out on
the limb, using imagery, my own personal touches & even
personification to get a feel/ grasp of the theme I am trying very
hardly to supply to the reader....All the help I can get & will
make a note to comment on each on of your's upcoming as well :) Looking
forward to it (Dovina & Ranger!) Here goes,...
I advise looking up the photograph: http://www.picassomio.com/art/28160/
en/
Black and white
shyly set behind Shakaâs devotions
in fuchsia robes,
inside smoldering smog,
mocking their light-plan.
Temples penetrate the background,
gauntly grey, in purpose
to exaggerate
the tree that other elements
bend for, fanned rivers
of twig and branch.
Aged temple, vain by inevitable showcase,
vain and perfectly centered.
Whatever the make,
the ground appears
as wet concrete or planar dirt
leveled and splayed
by rain. Monks
scourge the air of sly whispers,
as the light-lovers
purge through in the their cloaks
and unfolded fans
that align in mustard
for forecasted showers:
denying fog, lugging fog
from the only colors
that stand alone â
brave soldiers
in this mistâ¦
the stone that pierces
the fogâs indifference.
Up the ladder:
Amalgam - 7th iteration
Down the ladder:
The Glass Bees
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 4.5
Posted: April 30, 2006 9:35 AM PDT; Last modified: May 5, 2006 4:57 AM PDTWeighted score: 4.976287 Overall Rank: 8268 The following users have marked this poem on their favorites list:
Comments:
[7]
Dovina @ 17.255.240.138
|
1-May-06/11:55 AM
|
Reply
I see the painting's description, but don't get what you are saying. Goelogic fog? Are they really denying the fog, or ignoring it?
Good description, although there's a lot of cruciform imagery in the picture which you didn't mention. Am seeing it pretty well from what you've already given though.
Good edit. Instant thoughts (I will have to come back to this later as I am pressed for time at the moment) are that the monks aren't denying the fog exactly, but their faith is the only splash of colour in an otherwise grey, monotonous world. And it could also suggest that the faith which is to some people ethereal and misty is in fact very tactile and certain to them. Love stanza 3, I personally would have used 'weathered' instead of 'aged' as a play on 'vain' (great play on 'vain' already there though, narcissistic yet thin and empty - I liked that a lot). I'm not yet convinced by 'purge through in their cloaks' (I don't think the 'the' is meant to be in there), although 'purge' fits the overall context it seems a little awkward in that passage. 'Stone that pierces' is a really clever line. I took it to be a play on 'Peter', the rock upon which the Church was built, and then 'Pierre/pierce'. That to me was superb. Right, have to go - will return in a while.
I am sooo thrilled you GOT IT...didn't mean for it to be this in-depth, expecially w/ the extremely meaningful pic, but somehow people ran around in all directions over this one. I hated my revision, but I know that's what I HAD to do, while maintaining a bit of my own style, to narrate what I portray from the very clear depiction in my mind's eye...you got it Ranger!! Thank you, thank you & a few more your way :)! First of all, this IS a controversial peace because it's main, brightly photographed pics, are those of a form of religious character. I don't give 2 --- about that (don't like morrally what I have to say, don't bother reading it; I was never on a debate team or anything :), anyway, I went w/ the whole good & evil plot because of the colors, strictly the colors illustrated the drab, almost grey misery resembled the darkness the pure and holy munks were trudging against so faithfully, as to "deny it" - yes, as to sever themselves from it's dark nature & dirtiness (all personification, but can't you see how this is all fitting??) To back up my theory, their bright customes represented the good, the LIGHT, that can be shone right threw in the heaviest of fogs, conquering the bad onece again with "the lights"> to be looked up in referring to Buddism because "light-plan" is actually referred to in this culture, as when I describe these monks as "light-lovers" near the bottom of the stanzas.
Feel free to ask or comment on any clarities or un-clarities I have or have yet to make. Your opinion is greatly appreciated here anyday!!
Any thoughtful poetry will inevitably end up more complex than you first intend, trust me on this! The fact is that I gave this a similar sort of reading as to what I give my own recent poetry; it's not just about reading what's directly evident in the piece, it's the subtler layers which carry most of the meaning. And really, this just backs up every time I've said that reading other poetry improves your own poetic abilities - after all, I wouldn't have been able to interpret this even a few months ago. So thank you as well for giving me the opportunity to do so.
I said I'd return with a more detailed critique, here goes. You start with the eternal religious analogy of 'Black and white' which would ordinarily set the scene fine. What might end up confusing people here is that both the black and the white are behind the monks, seemingly making them neutral observers. I'd suggest changing the first line to simply 'Shades', which also carries enough negative connotations of its own to suit the context. Stanza three I found incredibly evocative and crammed full of religious imagery. The tree is the faith (in a not dissimilar way to my last post), the elements bending are the disciples of that faith, who are fanning (sort of stirring up, encouraging) the arms of a higher priest as if making an offering (and of course there is the direct description). 'Perfectly centred' I think refers to an idea of universal balance. 'Planar dirt' is another good play on words, with the two-dimensional 'shallowness' of the nonbeliever or heretic, 'sly whispers' carries that theme (wind/lies). The use of 'fans' works in tandem with what I mentioned above as well. R.E. 'denying fog' - I missed that, to be honest. I think it was the way in which it carried from the 'forecasted showers' (prophecies, I think) suggested that it wanted to be taken in its most literal form. Then you have 'brave soldiers', which clarifies your meaning, and of course the final stanza which I think is an astonishing play on not just words, but names - again similar to elements of my last post, and something which always scores highly with me in poetry! Well, there's plenty of material in here that I haven't gone over; I don't want to leave the rest of the rankers with nothing to do ;-) and there are one or two words which I'd change, but other than that, a highly impressive and thought-invoking piece!
The beauty of this piece is that it keeps bringing me back to reread and look for more meanings. 'Align in mustard/for forecasted showers' caught my eye this time round. It has a fantastic ambiguity to it, conjuing both the image of mustard plants awaiting rain for sustenance, but also of the monks sheltering beneath leaf-like canopies to escape the storm. So (as I think I said before), the showers are prophecies, but whether they are favourable or not is down to the reader to decide (I like that sort of ambiguity, by the way!)
I didn't mention earlier that I thought your contrast of nature and structure was very good - you have the elements, the river, the tree; all life-bringers. Then you have the concrete threatening to smother them. And, of course, you have the temple in the backgroud which is a harmony of both nature and human construction. I'm still not sure about 'scourge' in here - I think it works grammatically, but it feels wrong, somehow. 'Scour' would sit more easily in my opinion, although it's somewhat strong for the gentle nature of monks (it could reflect the 'struggle' theme though, I guess) so maybe 'wash' would be more appropriately - and fit with 'rain'. Similarly, 'purge' just isn't working for me yet. I think I can see what you're getting at by using it but this is a case of you needing to decide whether thematic word choice is more important than the 'feel' of the individual sentences. To be fair, I think I've run into similar obstacles in my most recent submission, I'd be interested to see what you think to it. 192 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
