Replying to a comment on:

“16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti (Free verse) by Sunny

Revision #3: I would greatly appreciate any of your minute or longger commentary you might care to give on this piece...it's coming from a brilliant photophraph, found on the below listed link, & I want to really represent this "beyong-me" brilliant anrtist the utltimate that I can because this pictue is just so increbibly striking. I did go out on the limb, using imagery, my own personal touches & even personification to get a feel/ grasp of the theme I am trying very hardly to supply to the reader....All the help I can get & will make a note to comment on each on of your's upcoming as well :) Looking forward to it (Dovina & Ranger!) Here goes,... I advise looking up the photograph: http://www.picassomio.com/art/28160/ en/ Black and white shyly set behind Shaka’s devotions in fuchsia robes, inside smoldering smog, mocking their light-plan. Temples penetrate the background, gauntly grey, in purpose to exaggerate the tree that other elements bend for, fanned rivers of twig and branch. Aged temple, vain by inevitable showcase, vain and perfectly centered. Whatever the make, the ground appears as wet concrete or planar dirt leveled and splayed by rain. Monks scourge the air of sly whispers, as the light-lovers purge through in the their cloaks and unfolded fans that align in mustard for forecasted showers: denying fog, lugging fog from the only colors that stand alone – brave soldiers in this mist… the stone that pierces the fog’s indifference.

Ranger 5-May-06/5:30 AM
Good edit. Instant thoughts (I will have to come back to this later as I am pressed for time at the moment) are that the monks aren't denying the fog exactly, but their faith is the only splash of colour in an otherwise grey, monotonous world. And it could also suggest that the faith which is to some people ethereal and misty is in fact very tactile and certain to them. Love stanza 3, I personally would have used 'weathered' instead of 'aged' as a play on 'vain' (great play on 'vain' already there though, narcissistic yet thin and empty - I liked that a lot). I'm not yet convinced by 'purge through in their cloaks' (I don't think the 'the' is meant to be in there), although 'purge' fits the overall context it seems a little awkward in that passage. 'Stone that pierces' is a really clever line. I took it to be a play on 'Peter', the rock upon which the Church was built, and then 'Pierre/pierce'. That to me was superb. Right, have to go - will return in a while.




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