Re: Arson by Roisin	29-Apr-06/4:29 AM
Here's a suggestion: given the first two lines you could easily turn this into a poem about cards, and use that as a metaphor for arson, which in turn is a metaphor for seperation. As it is, it's not a bad poem, but I found the final line lacking in originality. Referring to people as islands has been done to death, if you could find a different way of putting it I'd like it more.
Re: Invasion by Roisin	29-Apr-06/4:39 AM
Okay, crits first: 'heart flutters' is somewhat overused and could do with being more inventive. 'Exhausted by the irritation' doesn't sound right...it seems to trivialise the subject, in which case it's unlikely that it would exhaust you. 'Incongruent imposter' is bordering on being an act of poetry, of which I've been accused on occasion too. Also, the start of the last stanza is a bit detached from the end of stanza two. 'An enemy' just appears and doesn't make me instantly go 'oh right, gotcha'. However, lines 3 and 4 are good, so are the first two lines of stanza 2 and the final line. 'Something which exists independently of my control' is maybe too philosophical although it works quite well. Hope these suggestions were useful.
regarding some deleted poem...	29-Apr-06/3:57 PM
Great images. The wheelbarrow/soldier leaning in the mist was more reminiscent of WWII than current conflicts, but still an excellent idea. Same goes for the wind chimes. I'd have preferred it without lines 4 and 5, the ideological and political aspect detracts somewhat from the virtually impeccable portrait painted.
Re: Jesus Around Your Neck (Final Version) by Wakeboarder20	30-Apr-06/3:05 AM
This seems to be a tirade against someone with a very holier-than-thou attitude - in which case the only line I have yet to place firmly is 'An angel with a life full of sin', whether it's a different person to the one mentioned in the line above or, if as I suspect, it's about someone who doesn't practise what they preach. Someone who indulges rather than abstains. Good lines! I like the word choice in here, sufficiently nasty and vicious without being overtly violent. Also, the use of 'spit' and 'spite' so close together works well to invoke 'spirit' (ordinarily I'd be unimpressed by such repetition in poetry; here however it has good effects). So really, no crits that I can see straight away. Maybe I'll find something later but I don't feel very nitpicky today. 'Jesus hanging round your neck' is a superb line - such a contrast in the double meanings give it a wonderful ambiguity which I really like.
Re: Before Departing by italenrico	30-Apr-06/3:17 AM
I like this. It creates an almost-complete portrait yet left me wondering whether you'd return or not. That uncertainty works perfectly in here to conjure up both an image of happiness and tragedy. I'm inclined to go with the latter mainly due to 'the child I'll never have'. That line, to me, is the most important in the poem. I have to admit that I didn't like 'tucking you in'; it felt a little un-arty in comparison with the rest, and is a very cliched phrase. That is the only thing I'd change though.
regarding some deleted poem...	1-May-06/3:03 PM
'Fare price' - the play on a ticket to Heaven is brilliant. Very sermon-y in feel, which is reflected in the limited imagery (in my experience sermons don't tend to be very 'picturesque'). This has the extremes of attitude contained within, despite the 'sell it to all for that ultimate fare price' aspect there's also a fairly obvious distaste of the commercialisation of faith. Personally I love these ambiguities in poetry, the opposing viewpoints will each use this as a vindication of their position while those on the middle ground won't be able to decide which way your attitude goes. Only one crit with this - 'arguing the state' didn't quite feel right grammatically. I think it should be 'arguing for', or 'about' or something similar. That aside, I loved this.
Re: colourful cavalcade by pollywolly	1-May-06/3:08 PM
Beautiful picture, the rhythm of this could do with a little work. I'd try to replace the non-alliterated passages with ones which continue the alliteration. The reason being that the breaks disrupt the flow and slow it down whereas when it goes quickly I found it reminiscent of the leaves falling. Maybe 'canvas' instead of 'branches'? I'll leave the rest for others to suggest on if people agree with me.
Re: Upon a Visit to My Lonesome Father by mtk0630	1-May-06/3:20 PM
It would be unfair to try a critique of this because it's a lyric and without the music it's almost impossible to tell what the finished article is like. I will say that stanzas 7, 8 and 9 are superb and thoroughly enjoyed in their tragic glory. I'll also say that if you could iron out a couple of the somewhat cliched lines (there aren't many, 'lazy summer's day' is one though) it would be better. And I wasn't wholly enamoured of some of the word choices (the more archaic sections, for example) and sentence structures - however I fully accept that these are probably results of the form limitations and so I won't complain about them.
Re: Dying Rooms by longships	1-May-06/3:29 PM
Okay, this isn't bad but I feel it's one of those poems which needs to be done in a 'show, don't tell' kind of way. As it is you're telling, not showing for the most part. A greater effect on the reader would be achieved, I think, by instead describing what's there rather than explaining what it is (Yoda speech taking over there, sorry...)
Re: We exit a theater nonplussed. I smile. by MacFrantic	1-May-06/3:39 PM
As with 'Guttural Responses' I am stuck for things to say...the sort of feeling you get when you're on the verge of understanding something big, and you know you are...but it's not quite there yet. As per usual your use of the language is very imaginative and inventive (I have yet to read a poem of yours which I didn't enjoy, even if I didn't understand it). I don't know if I've said this before but I find your poetry to be a vessel for the language rather than the language carrying the poetry. As such I shall give this a token vote for now, but probably return when I've had another couple of reads of this.
Re: Picture beneath the painting by Caducus	2-May-06/3:20 PM
Zombies, sodomy and paintings come together to make one of the most unusual combinations I've ever conceived of...
regarding some deleted poem...	2-May-06/3:21 PM
Ha!
Re: A predator’s Joy by Dovina	2-May-06/3:23 PM
Sounds like a dig at philosophers. In which case...very accurate, I'm sorry to say.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	2-May-06/3:26 PM
Good description, although there's a lot of cruciform imagery in the picture which you didn't mention. Am seeing it pretty well from what you've already given though.
regarding some deleted poem...	3-May-06/6:02 AM
Ideally haikus want more imagery, and traditionally they have a more natural theme. I'm also confused as to whether it really has no title or whether 'untitled' refers to the 'aftersong shadow', being perhaps a short improvisation. If it doesn't have a title, well it needs one. Haikus depend on having a clear title so the reader knows what you're talking about.
Re: Gale of Death (Paradelle) by MacFrantic	4-May-06/8:19 AM
Another good paradelle, I'd rework the end of stanza two: A Death of me in thunderous shrouds Solemn gale returns to shadow Or something like that.
Re: Death by rabbit by INTRANSIT	4-May-06/8:22 AM
A picture I prefer to avoid.
Re: Moon (edit) by Caducus	4-May-06/8:27 AM
Last line I think should be "tide's cataract leaves", however I'm wondering if there's a bit of extra wordplay going on there. Are you using 'cataract' in the 'downpour' sense there as well? Because it sort of feels like you are - particularly with the widow imagery, a woman crying at night maybe?
regarding some deleted poem...	4-May-06/12:00 PM
1st stanza was a little grammatically unclear...do you mean 'looking to the beginning...for what sets me off', or is the second line a new sentence? Or am i missing something? Stanza two is a little cliched, but ends well. The rest is catchy and rhymes well.
Re: “16 Monks in Procession-Bagan Myanmar” – by Pier Poretti by Sunny	5-May-06/5:30 AM
Good edit. Instant thoughts (I will have to come back to this later as I am pressed for time at the moment) are that the monks aren't denying the fog exactly, but their faith is the only splash of colour in an otherwise grey, monotonous world. And it could also suggest that the faith which is to some people ethereal and misty is in fact very tactile and certain to them. Love stanza 3, I personally would have used 'weathered' instead of 'aged' as a play on 'vain' (great play on 'vain' already there though, narcissistic yet thin and empty - I liked that a lot). I'm not yet convinced by 'purge through in their cloaks' (I don't think the 'the' is meant to be in there), although 'purge' fits the overall context it seems a little awkward in that passage. 'Stone that pierces' is a really clever line. I took it to be a play on 'Peter', the rock upon which the Church was built, and then 'Pierre/pierce'. That to me was superb. Right, have to go - will return in a while.