Re: The Way of Monsters by MacFrantic	20-Apr-06/2:12 AM
Some awesome lines - 'quips installing', 'Burning smoke for curls concerning', 'Dismay has clasped a frozen fist' (my favourite of the lot), 'Come now hell or come high fire (not far behind). I assume this is about Vikings invading? If so, 'gears' didn't quite fit. Last line of stanza one was good, and was what first made me think of Vikings - then the drink and the fever. In stanza one I felt that the non-rhmying lines were too slow for the quick, rhymed triplets. And I would have preferred for stanza 2 to follow the same scheme, but I'm not complaining too much.
Re: I Sleep by Sunny	24-Apr-06/2:10 PM
Good poem, but... This is getting silly. The seven most recent poems all have no comments on. There are thirteen votes among the twenty most recent poems. I might even delete this comment if it means that we get a 20-most-recent-full with no comments whatsoever. Surely it's not that difficult to realise that if someone wants to get feedback they're going to have to give some? After all, it's been said more than enough times. You get what you give, and all that jazz. If you're not prepared to give votes and/or comments, what's the point in submitting poems? No attention will be paid to them, until the whole thing becomes redundant. It's a real shame, because a lot of the good poets have left poemranker, and they are the ones who a lot can be learnt from - and the majority of those who do remain have no reason to comment on poems by people who don't participate themselves. If anything, commenting on other peoples' works makes you better as a poet: you learn to give appropriate readings to poetry and you pick up tricks from other poets. But first you have to apply a little time and effort to reading through poems and putting your thoughts down in print. And if you think that you already know enough about poetry to not have to waste valuable time this way, well that's fair enough...so why are you posting it on the internet rather than getting it published? Sorry, Sunny, if this seems like I'm ranting at you - this is a general whinge. I should put it on the Suggestions board but a) wilco got there first, and b) the people who bother to check the suggestions tend not to be the ones at whom this is directed. Is there really that good a reason why it's not possible for people posting to spend a little while giving feedback on the twenty recent entries?
Re: grim task by lmp	24-Apr-06/3:10 PM
Better word choice and as such the rhythm is stronger. There are so many meanings that could be attached to this; obviously there is the gravedigger, possibly also a very puritanical preacher as well. In fact, it's one of those poems which can have any interpretation applied and justified. That is a sign of a well-written piece, in my book. Actually, that's not entirely true. Poems which are totally grey can be given any interpretation because they're just completely ambiguous. The success here is to make a more colourful poem open to alternative readings (by 'colourful' I mean that it has plenty of images in; the colours invoked are very 'grim and dreary'). I think that every verse in this poem is geared towards 'weak'. I won't try to justify it, but I think you've done the same as I did in my meta-vil. It's possible that you've included deeper meanings, but these take a long time to read into. I think I've done pretty well with the reading so far, and I think you've done very well with the writing.
regarding some deleted poem...	24-Apr-06/3:48 PM
Great wordplay, lines 1 and 2 caught me straight away. Not sure about 'reflected through', light gets reflected off something, not through it - unless I'm missing something there. Line four again good, play on lenses and lenses', did you want a full stop after that though? I quite like the sound of it continuing to flow into the next line. 'Silent presence...' was nice and required thoughtfulness. I'm not sure about the repetition of 'world', if you decide to change one, I'd keep the second for the play of 'worlds willed/words willed'. 'You assert perfected claims' is very theologically-minded, to me at least. Top ending.
regarding some deleted poem...	25-Apr-06/6:33 AM
Good start, a few grammatical points but that's not important in a first draft. I read through it twice and it had much more of an impact the second time round, the detail took a second read to grasp (quite appropriate that I had to comb through this, really). Absolutely tragic story - I'd make it less personal at the end, change 'our Mum' to 'his mother'. It makes it easier for the reader to immerse theirself within the story and make it their own.
Re: one by Adriaan	25-Apr-06/6:43 AM
Nice lines. The start of line two threw me though, due to the possibility of 'fish' being plural. 'A fish kisses...' would be clearer for the singular, or an adjective instead of the article (I'm not sure why, but to me it would make it easier to read the singular clause than giving no clues until the verb). Alternatively, if you wanted to extend this to a 5-7-5 you could make the fish plural, as if they're acting in unison (becoming 'one') to play up the very zen aspect of this. I like it though.
Re: Fraser's Wedding by Stephen Robins	25-Apr-06/7:25 AM
Sounds like a typically English celebration. Beautiful.
Re: To Err With Doves by MacFrantic	25-Apr-06/7:28 AM
This is beautifully meaningful, and when I've worked out why I shall let you know! Stanza three is the best in the poem.
Re: First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay by Dovina	25-Apr-06/5:33 PM
There are just a couple too many commas in here for my taste but no other problems to my eyes. Great description and I feel that there are many interpretations which could be attached to this. Stanza four was far and away the best.
Re: Tang Soo Do See Do by ecargo	26-Apr-06/11:39 AM
Energetic - I felt the sharp breaths and sounds of martial artistry here. Is Tang Soo Do an offensive or defensive discipline? I can't tell whether there's a definite object pictured here but I like the arrowing of it; conversely it also resembles the way the body folds if you've been hit in the stomach. The lines which 'stick out' a little also give the impression of speed lines. Or it could be a top-down starship...
Re: Deja Vu by sliver	26-Apr-06/11:49 AM
It's tricky to critique a lyric without the music so I'll limit myself to saying just that I liked the majority of it as lyric material, but I felt the last line let it down a bit. It was too...predictable. If you can insert a bit more imagination there I would like this more.
Re: To Brittany by amanda_dcosta	26-Apr-06/12:15 PM
This is really nice. The rhymes kept it moving fluidly and the imagery is direct and vivid. I think in your last poem I commented about your writing being like a sketch; well this is a pastel landscape. I would change two aspects of it - firstly the repetition (the first 'perhaps' - change to 'maybe', and the second 'smile') and 'gap' didn't quite seem right for clouds. No, I can't explain why I said that, it just seemed slightly off centre. The rest is magnificent.
Re: 99% of the Time by TLRufener	26-Apr-06/12:24 PM
1) - is the footnote meant to be a part of the poem or just an aside? 2) - try writing this out of first person. One of the keys to good poetry is making it something the reader can feel part of.
regarding some deleted poem...	28-Apr-06/11:54 AM
'Hush I told her' is presumably meant to be 'Hush', I told her...don't mean to be picky but I think it was what was bugging me when I read this earlier. No other problems to my eye, although the 'she loves me more than I hate myself' bit could perhaps be expanded on just a little for effect. Not too much though, otherwise the rest will lose a little of its impact. 'Scarlet barricades' is very good, as is the end of stanza 1.
Re: Portrait Paradelle by Enkidu	28-Apr-06/12:02 PM
Quite frankly this is astonishing. I haven't come across paradelles before, and although I now want to write one, to emulate this is a hugely intimidating task. This would be a solid ten but for two points: 1) the end of stanza three is slightly off and 2) 'light what grows' isn't right. If those could be fixed I would gladly give this a ten. Let this not detract, however, from a magnificent effort.
Re: Cry by Sunny	28-Apr-06/12:17 PM
Not bad at all, although there are a few things I would change. I dislike 'dollop' and 'splat' at the best of times; more so in poetry - I find them a little, well, unpoetic. They don't seem at all emotive to me, and there are more effective words for onomatopoeic purposes. The other criticism I have with this is the repetition of 'knot' and semi-repetition of 'bone/boney'. Again this is personal preference; I write with as few repetitions as possible because Ifind it more of a challenge that way, both to write and read. I also have a question (instead of diving straight in with criticism) about the penultimate line. 'Song waves' is confusing. It could be song waves (as in sound waves, in which case I'd hyphenate it to show it's a compound noun). Alternatively you're talking about the mourning waving upwards ('The mourning that bellows from my lips...waves upward'). If so, it needs some punctuation after 'song'. That's it for crits, now for what I liked. 'Knot under my chest bone...' and then 'mouth still open from the appearance' work well, as does 'shuttering shoulders' (and the rest of that passage). Overall, enjoyable.
Re: Meditation on the Future by MacFrantic	28-Apr-06/12:25 PM
Not deserving of a zero. This is actually a really good read, and has some choice passages - and you can dash, although I would remind you that 'a gentleman will walk but never run'. I don't want to try critiquing this at all as I like the whole thing, in particular the middle of stanza one and all of stanzas three and four. The only suggestion I'd make is that the autumn/winter of life aspect isn't as original as the rest.
Re: Through Poetry by newdawnfades	28-Apr-06/1:30 PM
Stanza two is good, however I didn't really find the piece as a whole stayed true to the title. Well no, I did...just not what I wanted from the title. That doesn't make sense. What I mean to say is that whereas this is a nicely-written piece, I disagree with the message. Poetry needs certain chains to turn it from train-of-thought gibberish into genuine beauty. As does all art. However, I do like it as a gentle read.
Re: Matthew's Bastard by Caducus	28-Apr-06/2:13 PM
Well controlled anger, and an all-round good read.
Re: Throne by MacFrantic	29-Apr-06/4:10 AM
Okay, I'm probably waaaay off the mark here but this actually made me think of beggars. 'In shambles', 'trundles', 'the attire is simple and worn', 'the line that I ended', '(k)nights quiver' (shivering under a blanket) all work in this way for me. That having been said, it does carry a lot of archaic weight in the language which I like in poetry, and is spot on for the theme of nobility. The only word that didn't quite work was 'vainglory'. I know it's correct but I would personally have preferred it to be split to 'vain glory'. It would keep a certain ambiguity about it that way as well. Overall, top drawer.