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First Warm Day on Santa Barbara Bay (Free verse) by Dovina
Children digging on the shore— splashing, running— primping little breasts. Hear the mighty waters roar, white peaks rising, falling, reaching up the sand for final frothy breaths, dying, glory gone. Only one child stops a while, stares at ancient waves, their long beginnings, rapid ends, sees them rise when shallow, bud as breasts, like all the rest. Better for their coming, she surmises, topple in their prime; then she’s off to play.

Up the ladder: Are You O.K.?
Down the ladder: be yourself

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Arithmetic Mean: 6.125
Weighted score: 5.302559
Overall Rank: 3675
Posted: April 25, 2006 9:38 AM PDT; Last modified: April 25, 2006 9:38 AM PDT
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Comments:
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 | 25-Apr-06/5:33 PM | Reply
There are just a couple too many commas in here for my taste but no other problems to my eyes. Great description and I feel that there are many interpretations which could be attached to this. Stanza four was far and away the best.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Ranger | 25-Apr-06/5:41 PM | Reply
It does seem salted heavily with commas. That's partly due to the grotesquely large size of commas in the font, and partly because grammetical correctness demands them, I believe. Still, it's often profitable to sacrifice grammar and health or looks.
[8] Ranger @ 62.252.32.15 > Dovina | 25-Apr-06/5:48 PM | Reply
Well what I failed to say was that the benefit of having the commas is that it keeps the images brief like the spray from the waves, or like how the world appears when you dive into a wave.
[n/a] Dovina @ 17.255.240.138 > Ranger | 26-Apr-06/10:18 AM | Reply
Poemranker's been nearly dead for a week. Anybody care to tell me why.
[7] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 > Dovina | 26-Apr-06/11:13 AM | Reply
Is it because I have been away for sometime? Haha... I think that wd hardly matter though!
[7] amanda_dcosta @ 203.145.159.44 | 26-Apr-06/11:15 AM | Reply
Hear the might waters roar..... that sounds like a common enough sentence with nothing new to it. More like a borrowed phrase.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > amanda_dcosta | 28-Apr-06/10:29 AM | Reply
Although not borrowed, I think “mighty” sounds too antiquated. It’s gone.
[8] patty t @ 70.30.214.253 | 26-Apr-06/5:04 PM | Reply
aren't most waves formed relatively near the shore? but I'm no oceanographer. *8
[8] Enkidu @ 172.190.177.237 | 27-Apr-06/8:46 PM | Reply
Solid title, solid poem, 'nuff said.*8*
[9] Caducus @ 80.168.173.160 | 28-Apr-06/2:03 AM | Reply
so perceptive and novel in description, adore line 3 for it made me visualize from there on.


last line s2 how about - dying to foam gasps.

Lots of potential it reads like a labour of love.
[n/a] Dovina @ 70.38.78.229 > Caducus | 28-Apr-06/10:30 AM | Reply
Good idea on S2, L5. Thanks
[9] deleted user @ 64.140.228.180 | 29-Apr-06/3:45 PM | Reply
I like the imagery in this--and its openess to interpretation.
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