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Maman: Psychic Tophet (Free verse) by SupremeDreamer
-- Whispering shadows of my past Still beckon to me with fury To remember the slow process of insanity Bred into my soul so early. Shattered mirror reflecting Repulsive face called me... My mother, bottle whiskey in hand, Rants hauntingly, telling me she can Read my mind, like an open book. So clever at eight I dished out her own plate asking slyly: "And what Maman, do you see in this open book?" -disgusted and amused chuckle- "Hate my son.. you hate me don't you?" Staring at her smiles, hair in sad disorder, And the slow dreamy smoke rising from her cigarette. "Why do you want to know if I hate you?" Her smile turns into a sudden expression Of rage. I see that she wants to harm me: Endless streams of words saying I'm ugly Worthless, and will amount to nothing. And all the while, I slowly hear my soul Cringe, slowly tormented into death. -Father comes in, exhausted mentally, looking over the scene.- "What the hell is going on?" Maman begins listing all my sins and evils claiming loudly in drunken slurs that I Told her of my hate for her And that I wished to kill her. I remember his face, Pale, like a ghost. He turns looking at me, Knowing it is nothing but lies But nods and says he will talk with me. <Onward in the hallway of hellish memory.> My father, behind the wheel looking at me After hearing me ask him in desperation Why we suffer her torture, why he didn't Simply take me far from her. He smiles.. sheepishly, with deep remorse. His calm promises, empty, but filled with hope.. Assuring me things will get better. "And what if she tries to kick me out or something?" "How long till she does that?" My father, becoming angry says "Look, you are my goddamn son, the day she attempts to kick you out from MY house it ends right there." Yes yes, plans spinning, In my soul within. I promise my loving soul To be rid of her, Even if it kills me. <Onward in the hallway of hellish memory.> Taunts yet again, thirteen and well studied In her mental games, ignoring her words. For now they are a meaningless song Played out since childhood. Quietly calming the rage, The urge, to grab nearby objects And hurl them toward her. I keep thinking of making her suffer. "-pathetic chuckle- You hate me a lot don't you my son?" "I'm not your son, and your right I do hate you, because I have no mother, just the ghost of the bitch that screamed while giving me birth.. hope it hurt a lot." I watch her face becomes frozen with shock and extreme rage, Noting slight twitches in her eyes and facial features. She drags on the cigarette, and screams: "I am your mother Lee, and you might hate me, but you know what? I hate you too!" "Oh, good maman, good... Say whatever you wish, your words have become music to my ears!" Her rambling increase's the fuel to my inner fire. I stare back with the same hate and desire To make her suffer, revenge rooted deep. But the loving soul within still weeps. <Onward in the hallway of hellish memory.> I lay asleep in bed, and from no where my father enters my room, Drained mentally and spiritually. And pleads with me not to say such things to her. "Why not? Shes been saying such things to me since I can first remember, fuck her." "Shes your mother." "No, no human calling themselves a mother does this." "Just ignore her, say nothing, please Lee, for me." A desperate look from my father, and I realize: He is slipping, and he can barely stand For weariness has crept deep into his core. "OK Papa, OK, if that's what you want." I already sense that he will begin to die And I contemplate what that leaves me with: Alone with her, with my dead father for her to use as The next torture in her sick sense of revenge. Revenge for not loving her. But how could I, when all she did was hurt me? If it comes down to that, she will die. I won't live it, I'll consume the bitch with her own hatred, Spoon fed to me all my life. Until that happens, I wait bitch. I wait for you to make the wrong move, And the right moment to fuel your hate Where I will make everything change. <Onward in the hallway of hellish memory.> -Me and my Father come back home, to find Maman, drunk as usual.- Spilling my glass of water, My "mother" is set off on a rant With the same song. Suddenly a new and interesting question: "When you and your friend play in the street, why do you come back?" I stared at her, silent. And then I knew this was my moment: My hate exploded into her face. She watched me getting up and Leaving out the front door, my mouth firing off Obscene statements, with supreme sadistic joy. Walking two blocks away, my father pulls up In the wagon, compelling me to get in. He drives me back, and Maman asks silly questions, Acting like shes confused about why I did that. I just stared at her with the same intense concentration of hate That her inner mirror reflected back at her each day. The silence breaking her mind down, And she then attempts to kick me out. My father, as if suddenly awakened, Steps in, yelling with more force Than ever, proclaiming divine law: That I will not live outside his own house. She attacks him, and my demon goes insane, As I suddenly explode, rushing toward her. I hurl her into the closet, ready to rush in with My feet to smash her face. My father yells my name and I stop mid-stride And his face portrays the great loss he would suffer If I were to kill her. I observed that day, That he realized he didn't want me to become Her dead gasping ghost. The cops were called, And a wonderful show followed: My mother drunkenly Insults and assaults The officers and is hauled to jail. My plan unfolding perfectly, To exact detail. Except she was supposed to die. But the love I had for that man I called Papa Would not dare let me fulfill it. He comes to me afterward, asking me: "What should I do?" Him looking to me at thirteen for advice. So I tell him exactly what he needed to hear: "Divorce her, before I go insane. -tear falling down my cheek- I can't take it anymore... please?" My intentions were well expressed. But it still contained the truth. He smiled with a new found energy, And said: "OK, that's what we are gonna do." I reply: "Just in time." <Message for Chantal, the woman I called Maman, and at times cruelly " Mother"> Oh, yeah Maman, you were good at that game You played with me... Teaching me how to hate. But didn't you also teach me to submit to my determined fate? (horribly dreamed up by you and whatever demons you pissed off) Well, I saved your lessons, broke them down into patterns, And saw your weakness. And I exploited it. I used your comments about Papa not being able to save me To plan ahead my master design to save him and myself. And to exile you from our home, even the country it resided in, For you ran back -tail-tucked-under- back to Belgium. I bet you wondered, then, how that worthless good for nothing child beat you in your own game. And even manage to undo in time the rooted programming you stuck in me. Rearranging it into a mix of you and my father. Comprised of all the good virtues of you both, And the secret key that put it all together and made me whole. Yes, Maman, back then I cursed you with indifference. But now I thank you, for you were the thing that fueled My desire to solve the riddle. You forgot foolishly my love for Papa, and the need I had Not to let him succumb to your torture. At the time, my own fall Didn't matter. And I realized real hate of pure fury comes With a core of love, so I know now the gasping moans Of what lives in that flesh suit of hate. You said I was weak, it made me strong. You said that I hated you, but I now realize That I loved you. But I could do nothing to help, For you were lost to me long ago. Go in peace, oh Mother of Hate and Rage May death bring calm to your tormented And deranged thoughts. <And a message to a dead man I called Papa.. Jean was his name.> And to Papa, I forgave you long ago for Not being as strong as you should have been. Or that's what some would say.. I thank you, for you gave me love and wisdom, The benefit of your humor and intelligence, And drove me to be strong for myself, and even for you. I never understood then as a child, why you asked My advice, and now I do... Papa, you have been dead for A year now, and I cry sitting here missing your voice. I have sweet whispers: I love you...

Up the ladder: Roadside Testimony
Down the ladder: My Goddess...

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Arithmetic Mean: 5.714286
Weighted score: 5.192101
Overall Rank: 4583
Posted: June 24, 2003 4:33 AM PDT; Last modified: June 25, 2003 3:08 AM PDT
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Comments:
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 24-Jun-03/11:44 AM | Reply
There are some brilliant twists and observations in here. Compact it by 50%. find and correct some typos and misspells. And there could be a couple of structural improvements.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > horus8 | 24-Jun-03/4:07 PM | Reply
Ok, I'll look over it, thanks for pointing it out.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/4:19 PM | Reply
I understand why it should be compacted.. but could anyone give some suggestions as to what i should cut out.. staring at it i find it hard to choose.. it all has much meaning to me ;/
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/4:27 PM | Reply
Then turn it into a three poem series like my prostitue series, doing what a good screenplay does set up, climax, conclusion. Make sure that happens in each poem and in the series, do you understand?
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/4:36 PM | Reply
I know this will sound mean, but your title still sucks, as a poet your title needs to be even better than the poem. It has to be a lure, a reminder, Symbolic and maintain a seperateness. Like for instance Gordian knot, one would think what? But it's perfect. In other words don't make it an idea make it something. the GK was an untiable knot, get it? So Hellish memorys encompass that much much more like this, "Maman" see that's the hellish memorys it's weird it's different people will come just to see what it means.
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/4:41 PM | Reply
Use periods. Not..

Because..(there's no such thing)
It's... Three not two

And use it only in case of an Emergency, not to trail off. Makes you look like you're loaded... And... Day dreaming... constantly.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > horus8 | 24-Jun-03/4:48 PM | Reply
Ok, i spell checked it, changed some things, ill look over it to fix those "..." its a bad habit of mine when i write. I'm usually in a trance when im writing so i dont catch on to it quickly. Ill think of making it a series.. sounds like a good idea.. and ill try to find a better title lol.. i never was good with titles.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/5:37 PM | Reply
Fixed up its presentation, and some other passages, stuck in the periods, etc. Currently in the process of chopping this sucker up into three parts, may be awhile untill im able to post them.. or ofcourse, i could sign up another name.. -shrug-
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/5:53 PM | Reply
If horus8 told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/8:05 PM | Reply
Very original question, wouldn't you?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > horus8 | 24-Jun-03/4:58 PM | Reply
Title better now?
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/5:16 PM | Reply
Yes, it is.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 > Shardik | 24-Jun-03/5:36 PM | Reply
lol
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.163.184 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/5:40 PM | Reply
I stick out out my tongue at you ;P
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.183.149 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/5:59 PM | Reply
No, i wouldnt jump off a cliff if he told me to. But since i heeded his advice, i now have a title that was better than the last ones i had.. his advice did indeed point me in good directions. ;) Perhaps it just pisses you off that I heed his advise along with others and not yours?
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/6:02 PM | Reply
yeah your probibly write. Hey, lee: if you said you were going to ignore someone, would you ever change your mind?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.183.149 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/6:11 PM | Reply
Ofcourse. I forgave my mother for her sins.. i can certainly get over past clashes.
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/6:24 PM | Reply
Apology accepted.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.183.149 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/6:33 PM | Reply
Good, so i hope theres not going to be anymore senseless arguements, and we can all get back to the art of imagination and language. ;)
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.101 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/6:56 PM | Reply
sounds like a good idea :) I'm not one to hold a grudge - you've apologised and that was all I really needed. PoemeRanker will be a better place with you in it. Even if we did argue about things, I know you now realise that while a sense of humor can be important, being mature is the most important thing.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 146.74.94.65 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 11-Feb-13/2:59 PM | Reply
What utter sarcastic bullshit. Asshat.
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/8:09 PM | Reply
Oops, you are getting rusty. You mean "probably".
[n/a] -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. @ 131.111.8.97 > Shardik | 25-Jun-03/4:23 AM | Reply
YEAH YOUR WRITE LET ME KNO OF NE MOR MASTAKES OK? HYUK HYUK ASL?
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 > -=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. | 24-Jun-03/8:14 PM | Reply
As in "A mature poet always checks his spelling, pro-bob-lee".
Aint that right.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 69.19.183.149 > horus8 | 24-Jun-03/7:31 PM | Reply
In the process of chopping it into a series, I wonder if it would be a good idea to make it into 6 parts, with the messages to maman and papa as part 6.. any thoughts anyone?
[8] Shardik @ 24.126.113.154 > SupremeDreamer | 24-Jun-03/8:17 PM | Reply
Well, now that you mention that, go all the way to 666 and call it resurrecting Papan the redux.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.160.202 > Shardik | 24-Jun-03/9:35 PM | Reply
lol. wtf.. ok whatever lol.
[7] richa @ 195.92.168.175 | 24-Jun-03/1:28 PM | Reply
yes this needs much shortening,

the twists for me are the creative uses of language in between the babble

but there is lots of good stuff
[9] horus8 @ 24.126.113.154 | 24-Jun-03/2:14 PM | Reply
And change the title, please, for fuck's sake. You don't tell people the end of a movie not even at the end. Remove both of them, good god, kids, are so fucking dramatic.
[10] Brian Tiensvold @ 66.141.123.216 | 25-Jun-03/11:39 PM | Reply
Damn, long. Deep, deep thought. It's great!
[0] RGallet @ 67.75.24.173 | 2-Jul-03/2:16 PM | Reply
Nice mature work 0
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.166.154 > RGallet | 5-Jul-03/1:09 AM | Reply
... yes, i know you wouldnt want to admit that this is far beyond your ability to write, it doesnt mean you should be childish and try to keep my work from receiving the score it deserves, which is far from 0.
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 146.74.94.65 > SupremeDreamer | 11-Feb-13/3:01 PM | Reply
Was I truly this vain then? Oh g fuck christ ON A BLOODY STICK!

[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 | 30-Aug-03/1:16 PM | Reply
Why is your mother French?
[n/a] SupremeDreamer @ 204.31.175.3 > deleted user | 30-Aug-03/3:35 PM | Reply
Correction: she isnt french. she is belgian.

and why?.. because she was born in belgium?.. as was my father?.. why the hell do you bother asking this question?
[n/a] deleted user @ 24.222.81.233 > SupremeDreamer | 30-Aug-03/3:42 PM | Reply
I am close to cracking the code to humanity. That is all.
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