Nice lines. The start of line two threw me though, due to the possibility of 'fish' being plural. 'A fish kisses...' would be clearer for the singular, or an adjective instead of the article (I'm not sure why, but to me it would make it easier to read the singular clause than giving no clues until the verb).
Alternatively, if you wanted to extend this to a 5-7-5 you could make the fish plural, as if they're acting in unison (becoming 'one') to play up the very zen aspect of this.
I like it though.
4 comments
Alternatively, if you wanted to extend this to a 5-7-5 you could make the fish plural, as if they're acting in unison (becoming 'one') to play up the very zen aspect of this.
I like it though.
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