| Poem: Submit | Random | Best | Worst | Recent | Comments |
|
99% of the Time (Free verse) by TLRufener I've always been the first one
to tell someone to try again.
I've always been the first one
to look into someone's future
and see the possibilities.
I've never been the one
to see my own worth.
I've never been the one
to take my own advice.
Love will walk into our lives
and run out with either
a rainstorm or a bon fire.
Love can cut down the mightiest redwood
and burn down the strongest fort.
Love has never met a heart
it could not shatter
into a million pieces.
Hope is the driver of love.
Hope can mend anything
that is broken with faith
in ourselves and time.
Hope will set your whole life right
when you let it out to do its work.
Hope never leaves a heart
no matter how dark midnight becomes.
Never look into the past and weep
for what you did or did not do.
Look into the future and see
what you will and can do with your life.
Learn from the past but do not
let it become your existence.
Always hold your head
up high and smile.
You can do anything.
You can do everything.
**********************************************************
I give excellent advice 99% of the time. I can also be very
inspirational 99% of the time. Itâs just that 99% of the time, I donâ
t take my own advice or listen to my inspirational speeches.
I said that to someone last week at a party after giving an up-lifting
speech about love and the future. All they could do was laugh, until
they figured out that my statement was true.
Up the ladder:
You don't understand me/All my feelings
Down the ladder:
Ceylon Cries
Votes: (green: user, blue: anonymous)
Arithmetic Mean: 3.6
Posted: April 24, 2006 4:26 PM PDT; Last modified: April 24, 2006 4:26 PM PDTWeighted score: 4.833116 Overall Rank: 10802 Comments:
I really liked this poem. It reminds me of the fact that sometimes "I" can't think of all the things I "want" to stay and this was expressed so well.
1) - is the footnote meant to be a part of the poem or just an aside?
2) - try writing this out of first person. One of the keys to good poetry is making it something the reader can feel part of.
The footnote is aside
I'd suggest that if it's important to the text, you should incorporate it into the poem; otherwise leave it out. Generally speaking the only important extra text that needs to be included here are references to any other poem which you've borrowed from.
I'm serious about not writing this in first person though. Make me feel like I'm the one not taking my own advice, make me feel like all this is what I believe. Make me believe it.
Uggh. *5*
153 view(s)
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I'll say this much: your line breaks were good. Keep in mind this is my mear opinion, but there was nothing bad about this poem, but nothing good, poetically, to me at all. Where is the imagery, sentence structure, which was quite mundane, irony, evocating phrases, irony, alliteration, unlying theme...any of these elements that make poetry good poetry??
First of all your first few lines had nothing to do with you main themes of love & hope, which words were used too repetitively. I know that this sole purpose was to inspire not be all philisophical, but it needs to grab your reader, not pep-talk them. Great speech, as far as in a poetical sense, made some revision. Best wishes,
~Sunny