Re: slice of moonlight by lmp	17-Apr-06/11:25 PM
'Stabile' jarred, the rest is wonderful.
Re: Sunlighting by ALChemy	17-Apr-06/11:30 PM
Why have I not read this one before? It's gorgeous. Killer final line.
regarding some deleted poem...	17-Apr-06/11:35 PM
Very nice, although the cake passage seemed like it could have done with a little more time cooking. Personally I'd have used 'Sunshine richness/Of six yolks for a cake', and not used 'beaten'. It really doesn't fit well. 'Whisked', maybe? Second stanza is great, as are the last four lines. I can only assume your boy is on the road to literary feats too! As an aside, I did a glosa based on your 'Blueprint', I'd be curious to hear what you think of it.
Re: actually chicken and mushroom pies are nice too by cav	18-Apr-06/12:28 AM
You don't live in Cardiff, do you?
Re: talkstupid by 7!3	18-Apr-06/12:33 AM
Interesting idea. Well worked, although Dark Angel did it more concisely in haiku form. I like the asymmetrical mirroring of the last stanza with the end of the first. Let'snot Giveintothat boringcliche Knownas Emo
Re: meeting her gaze by digipoet	18-Apr-06/12:40 AM
Okay, critique o'clock. Too many uses of 'face' in such a short piece; the first stanza made me think this was going to be humorous/parodying. Find either synonyms (there are plenty of online dictionaries for these sort of things) or use different images. Second stanza is good, I enjoyed it. 'Parcels'? I didn't quite get anything so postal from this. Unless it's computing-based (I know just enough about technology to see there may be a connection). And again, 'face' appears too often. Final stanza - good idea, although Icarus comes in a bit unexpectedly (I've been guilty of doing this myself, it's true). The only real clues you give beforehand are 'meager rise/its ceiling low' which isn't really enough. Good ending though. I liked the form, I liked the rhythm and I liked the rhyme. I just think it needs the content worked on.
Re: a dream by lmp	18-Apr-06/12:47 AM
An enjoyable yarn, with some beautiful word choice. It feels like you might extend it further, describing who 'she' is (a goddess, a creator maybe). Nice read.
Re: Behind the storm clouds, the moon consoles the sun.(edited) by ALChemy	18-Apr-06/1:20 AM
It's taken a long time to come up with anything useful to say. I really like this one; I think you nailed it with the edit - it ironed out the couple of flaws (minor flaws, to be fair) in the original. The only thing I can say here is that 'ride on my shoulders Sunshine' might open up the possibility for drawing parallels with the myth of Atlas (which would fit the general fantastical feel of this). Good poem.
Re: The Unknown Soldier by abcmonkey78	18-Apr-06/1:26 AM
Firstly, 'The Unknown Soldier' is the title of a Doors song; you might consider changing it in case people make assumptions. There are some good lines and metaphors here - 'iron hawks', 'leaded hornets' (should probably be 'leaden hornets'), and the last line is pretty smart too. There are a few too many commas and semicolons (as has been noted already), and a couple of grammatical crits, but on the whole it's a decent poem.
Re: Face of Iran by Caducus	18-Apr-06/1:30 AM
Decent edit. I've thought more about this and the double meaning in here is great. I was a bit hasty beforehand. It made me think of those bombers who disguised themselves as women, 'warheads' works really well with this. Damn good thoughts in here, vote increased accordingly.
Re: Lost and Found by annadoc	18-Apr-06/1:37 AM
The opposites made me think of that Meredith Brooks song, 'Bitch' ('I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed...'). I'm not sure about there being so many questions in this, to be honest, and the couplet rhythm is very abrupt. Still, there are some good ideas in it.
Re: Don't touch the chairs in a gay bar. by Stephen Robins	18-Apr-06/1:38 AM
You never struck me as being the sort who'd bother with gay bars.
Re: Upheaval (in a minor key) by ecargo	18-Apr-06/2:26 PM
Hmm. Nice to read, ecargo, thoughtful and full of regret. Every Pimple poet should read this to learn how these should be done, how the emotion should be controlled. I know I could have done with it at times. Great second stanza. Could the open hand idea give rise to card games? In a way it's the juxtaposition of honesty and competition. Honesty rarely wins in competition. And I rarely make sense in these sort of comments. Ah well. Good work.
Re: A South London Lullaby by Caducus	18-Apr-06/2:50 PM
Good stuff. Imp's pointed out 'Princess', and Dovina has said about 'Rapunzel', both of which I'd substitute for something more Old Testament, which fits with Aaron - and also, 'tenements' conjures up 'tenets' as well (tenets of faith). My brain is a bit burnt out at the moment (still recovering my sleep pattern from doing night shifts), but a biblical whore (not Magdalene though, I don't think she'd fit) would seem right. Try as I might, I just can't bring the obvious name to mind right now, I'll let someone else help me with the Scripture.
Re: Story remains the same by annadoc	18-Apr-06/3:07 PM
Nice ideas. I think it deserves to be longer, simply because it rests on cliched lines (stories remaining the same, sum of all parts etc.) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in its current form it's just a collection of lines which have been said many times before. Yet I can tell there's more intricate thought behind this. Give some feedback to other users' poetry and hopefully they'll reciprocate and give you some useful inspiration.
Re: A sponatious free write by thepinkbunnyofdoom	19-Apr-06/12:21 AM
Great flow, energetic and fast. 3 typos: Spontaneous, ingest (although I like the idea of playing with ingest/in jest) and heist.
Re: Life (the circle) by *.*ReAdY To SnAp*.*	19-Apr-06/12:45 AM
Well, you listed it as a Pimple so I guess I was forewarned. Let's start with the good aspects: it's not from the first person perspective, and you keep the pronoun usage down to a minimum (which is a very good thing in poems like this). There are a couple of nice images in here - like the scroll, but not nearly enough to give it a tactile feel though. You've also got some fairly creative ideas, linking in the words with four letters. Now for the crits. If you want to transform this from a Pimple into something which more people will read (and more importantly, enjoy), there are some pretty fundamental points to be made (if you just want it as an emotional release, that's fine...but people won't read it). Firstly, whereas there are no taboo subjects in poetry, not even depression and angst, these sort of topics are massively overused. So you have to be incredibly inventive and original to keep the reader's attention and interest. The abstract concepts you talk about in here (life, pain etc.) can be found in about 95% of Pimples, so either don't write about them, or find something completely new and unique to describe/explain them. The same applies to 'drowning, loosing (losing?), suffocating...' etc. I've already mentioned about giving more imagery with the abstract stuff. Read a whole load of the poetry on here, and any themes which crop up repeatedly, avoid. Or find a way of expressing them which hasn't been tried before. Attempting something new will get you more respect than reciting stuff that's been said a billion times before, even if the original writing doesn't work at first. People here will always give suggestions and help you look for connections and metaphors. Oh, and that's the other thing. Metaphors, similes and analogies will get you extra points in poetry. The trick is to make the reader do some work; don't spoonfeed everything to the audience. Okay, that was a fairly mammoth comment but hopefully it'll be of some use to you. Angsty poetry is very difficult to get to work well. The closest I've managed is with a glosa ('Inbetween Lovers') of god'swife's 'Blueprint' (read some of her stuff). It's a great feeling when you get it right.
Re: rush hour by pollywolly	19-Apr-06/1:10 AM
Not sure about using 'roar' so many times, although animalistic I'm sure there are alternatives which carry the same feral weight. Also, 'sand-made' panes. Other than that, I really like the idea in this, describing yourself, I presume, as a small woodland creature watching some savage, lionesque beast. In the main it has great word choice and good imagery.
Re: A Bronze Mule by Dovina	19-Apr-06/7:14 AM
Good stuff, although it sounds like you limited your market research to one slightly clueless chap. And grace in defeat means that you may feel humble, but never humiliated. Only suggestion is that in the final stanza, put another task after 'row to plow' - makes it fit with the rule of three. Other than that, good story.
Re: grim task by lmp	20-Apr-06/2:04 AM
Nicely written! I'm of the opinion that poems with complex structures require a careful reading, so I shall make a more detailed comment later today when a) I'm more awake and b) I've thought about this more. In the meantime, here are a couple of minor suggestions: 'he cares to say' would bolster the rhythm a little (in my reading, anyway). 'He does awake...' would work better reworded without the 'does'. It brings nothing grammatically. 'he awakes and *insert passage here* to pray', maybe? And a couple more adjectives would have looked good to me. Good, strong rhyme scheme here. I will return later, hopefully with more to say. In the meantime, here is an 8